Not the crushing "oh god I want to die" depression I thankfully only suffered from at the nadir of my time with the Louse. But maybe the gradual decline of "oh god I don't want to do anything but slip into a deep sleep for months" where I just sort of sleepwalk through my days.

I'm not sure.

Just the fact that I'm asking the question does have me wondering, though.

I haven't been getting enough sleep, and that has something to do with it. I've also been eating terribly. I hit an embarassing low last night - I had macaroni and cheese (frozen, not the good homemade stuff I make), microwave popcorn, and cookies and cream ice cream for dinner. No wonder my body is swimming in lethargy. But it's pre-existing lethargy that made the idea of cutting up a vegetable feel like a Dickensian ordeal.

But I went to yoga last night. I went swimming Wednesday night (that was a trip! We were in the pool no more than 20 minutes when the lifeguards pulled us out because of nearby lightning - and this is an indoor pool!) I don't seem to be all that lethargic when Ben's over and we're enthusiastically getting it on all over the place.

I think I'm just out of balance.

God knows that the time change does me in every year - how I yearn for the long days of summer! I am aching to go to the beach, to ride my bike, to watch the sun go down at nine at night from the wetlands in the park. To be outside deep in the dark of morning with the cool comfortable air of summer. This darkness is really drawing me down.

And I'm feeling uninspired. I haven't touched Nano yet. I've got a meeting for Lori's art project tonight and I haven't touched it in months, nothing's come to me in months. I have been thinking that if I don't do Nano (and I might not, since that speaks to the part of me that wants to be obsessive and out of balance), I should do the Artist's Way again - I always flourish under the Artist's Way (and then I get scared off by the flourishing and then stop, but maybe it's like quitting smoking, it requires a couple (or a lot) of tries to take?)

(Speaking of quitting smoking - Ben's in the process of quitting and we joke that I'm gonna wind up hooked from kissing him when he's chewing his nicotine gum. Thank god cigarettes are one of the few vices I haven't picked up! That and heroin.)

So I don't know. I guess I keep plugging along and paying some amount of attention. I'd really like to not have it get to clinical levels, but I do need to attend to it if it does again. Keep swimming, keep doing yoga. Try to eat a vegetable here and there. Be gentle. Keep up some kind of routine. Set a schedule for when I think I can do the Artist's Way again. Indulge myself with Ben but not to the point of not sleeping. Do my goddamn paperwork. Be kind to myself.

Outlook for the weekened: tonight's Lori's project meeting, and I'll have to come in and come clean with my stuckness. Perhaps I'll bring a few diary entries to start with, start from. Tomorrow is my platelet donation at the blood center and then Ben and I are going to the movies with Andi and Doron. Sunday is open, though I imagine Ben will be over, and I will have to make sure we leave the house!