Today we went to Inwood Hill Park, which holds so many memories for me, and I grieved for the good times, for how much he meant to me, for how much love I had, and how truly and deeply I loved him and his family.

I still hurt especially for Noel, his nephew, the one I think I felt the closest to, Noel with the mischevious grin and dark eyes that probably have the hearts of sixth grade girls all aflutter. Who spent the night with us once and washed his own dishes and thanked me for everything. Who loved me so much, who wanted Louis to marry me so I could be his aunt. I felt so close to him, I wanted to be an aunt to him, I felt as if I was in so many ways, and I never got to say goodbye to him.

That's what hurts the most. That his mother just told him that I wasn't with Louis anymore, didn't tell him why, and I feel as if the underlying message is that I abandoned him. I think about him a lot, how I wish I could just say goodbye, and tell him how much I love him, how bright and kind and good he is. I wish I could say something to him to give him hope to break out of this cruel cycle his family has, where his father left him just as Louis's father left him. I don't want to be someone who left him too. Not that I've got this arrogant idea that he's pining away for me or anything - but that I loved him and never said goodbye. And I never wanted to leave. The unkind part of me wants him to know just why I left so he'll know that Louis drove me away - but then again, I don't even know if Louis knows he drove me away.