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Song in my head: Mood: Current book: I feel like I should just never open my heart again. What has love gotten me other than pain? I feel so unloveable right now. All I want is gentle kindness, and goddamn it, sometimes Louis gave that to me, and when he did, it was better than anyone else ever did, and how could he do this to me? I don't understand it. My brain tells me that it doesn't have anything to do with me, but I don't know if that's true. I feel damaged, like there is something deeply wrong with me and always will be, and I'll just be everyone's friend, and they'll all enjoy me, and everyone will go home to their lovers and families while I go home alone to my cats who will die and leave me someday too and I know this is so goddamn self-pitying but I hate this so much, i hate it I hate it i hate it and I hate that Louis could take something beautiful I gave him, i loved him like I loved no one else ever and I gave him this beautiful gift and he ruined it, he ruined me and threw me away and fucking beat me, he fucking ripped my clothes off while he called me a cunt, he degraded me, berated me, punched me, slapped me, beat me down and down and down and nothing I ever did was good enough, nothing, I was never enough, I was never good enough and how many times did I give him all the love I had while all he did was bemoan how alone he was and why couldn't he see me? Why was I so fucking invisible to him? How could he do this to me? How will I ever be the same? How will I ever trust anyone again? Worse, how i can ever believe that my love is a gift? I feel like my love is a burden, a curse, a cruelty to subject someone to. I don't know if I feel this but the words are in my head and i want them to go away, i want to go away, I don't know where I want to go, i don't think there is anywhere to go, I have no home, I have nowhere inside of me, i feel empty and hollow and ruined and really, why bother? |
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