Yesterday I actually had my first full weekend in the city since I left the relationship (it'll be 2 months on the 11th), and it was such a gorgeous day - I slept in a bit, went for a wonderful walk, listening to great tunes that made me want to move my body. It's been a while since I did that. I was feeling great - energetic and pretty and just plain good. I had a nice dinner with Brian and Keith and then I decided to go to one of the BBW dances in the area because this is my last weekend in Battery Park City and it was less than five minutes away. Also, I was in the mood to dress up a bit and dance - I was even dancing in the shower!! The good mood was still

with me, and I felt pretty and sexy without being over the top.

When I got there, I quickly hooked up with three other women and we had a blast together, laughing and drinking and scoping out guys.

And then this part is hard to talk about, but I need to.

Two guys joined our table at one of the women's invitation, and one

of them started talking to me, coming on to me very blatantly, not

even in a gentle, flattering way, but more of a "let's just get the formalities over with and screw" way, although of course not said out loud.

And I went along with it. I felt like I slipped into this alternate state of mind, almost like a trance, where okay, I know the motions, let's go through them. No thought about what I

wanted at all.

Now, I'd been really horny lately, but this wasn't what I wanted. Yet I left the club with him and went to his car and to be blunt, I had sex with this guy (unsafe sex, to make it worse, and I promised myself I'd never do it again, and I almost hate myself for it) that I'd only met maybe 20 minutes ago. And it was just awful. He didn't even kiss me, just whipped it out and got to it, and a voice in my head kept telling me how much I didn't want to do this, but I didn't know how to turn back now, I was afraid of what would happen if I tried to stop, tried to tell him no, didn't see no as an option.

Meanwhile I faked liking it, faked being so sexy and everything he wanted - I felt like I might as well have been a prostitute.

I have a history of this kind of behavior, but it's been ages, and I

felt like i knew better now, I knew how to treat myself better after

ending things with Louis, I thought I'd learned to treat myself as if I were valuable. I didn't think I'd ever do that again. It scared me, and I am so disillusioned.

I have so many problems with my sexuality. All my life the oblique

and not so oblique messages I received were that no one would ever want me sexually - EVER. I have had countless sexual encounters where I did it just to be touched. Just to say to the world, fuck you, I can too be desired. Even though so often I've only been used.

I think that the only reason I've never been raped is that I

never even felt like I could say no - I've been in plenty of situations where I feared for my safety if I'd said no.

So often I just go along with whatever the guy wants, no matter what it is. I feel so degraded, and I'm doing it to myself. I don't know how to change. Even the loving relationships I've had, I rushed into having sex with them quickly because I didn't know how not to.

You know, when I was a young kid, my brother and I found my dad's collection of Hustler magazines, and we read them every chance we could get, and it horrifies me now to think that that's how I learned about sexuality, that I learned all about how to be everything a man wants as a sex object, except, of course, how to to be thin. I think it messed me up big time to read this stuff as a

growing fat kid, to feel so horrible about myself when I compared my body to the models, and then to be aroused at the same time.

I just don't know how to heal. It hurts SO much. I am horrified that I did this. I can't trust myself. I feel like maybe I should just close myself off to men forever to protect myself, although I know that's not the answer. All I've ever wanted is to be loved, adored, admired, and to give that back to someone, and I shoot

myself in the foot every single time.

I don't know how to get over this. I feel like damaged goods. I feel like it's too late, that I'll never know how to be any other way.

After I left the club I cried my whole way home, and walked to the river, and cried some more, and I was so angry at Louis for making me single again, even though this sex thing is something that's been an issue for me almost my whole life.

I just don't know how to meet someone and have them like me and not go to bed with them immediately. I don't know how to pace myself. I want that physical contact so much. (You know, I was 2 months premature when I was born and in an incubator for a month; even though my parents visited me and held me as much as they could, I

still wonder if being deprived of that initial nurturing left me forever yearning...)

Maybe with a little more time I'll have some ideas of how to build a healthy sexuality for myself, although I'll be honest, I'm pretty discouraged right now.