I am so sad right now. I miss the life I had, and I miss the life I thought I had.

I feel so rootless, aimless, not quite worthless, but somewhere in that vicinity.

I went looking for an apartment tonight and then I went on a date. Both made me realize how much I hate this transition. I know it's an opportunity, but right now I'm in that low part of transitioning.

I want to be held and comforted and loved and be told everything is gonna be just fine. I don't even necessarily need someone to make it fine, I just want that physical comfort, that reassurance.

Louis hit me when I asked for that. Sometimes that hurts so much I can't let myself feel it.

I've been feeling it today. Tonight. I got on the subway after my non-eventful date and started crying and I haven't stopped much since.

I loved him so much. I know intellectually that I'm better off without him, but I really did love him. It hurts so much to feel like he threw it away, threw me away.

I'm just so exhausted. I've been having trouble focusing on work, or play, or anything. I don't feel motivated. All I want to do is numb out. I loved being at Marty's and smoking weed all weekend and feeling no pain, just bliss and total love for my family. I know the weed is just a temporary escape, just like the ice cream that I bought on the way home. But right now I need something to help me get through this.

Thank god for Chloe. She loves me just because I love her.

I feel so lonely right now. I have been missing the good times with Louis a lot. The times he would hold me and stroke my hair and love me. I know he did love me the best he could, and sometimes I can appreciate that he just wasn't in a position to love me for real. Other times I fucking hate his guts.