I'm thinking I need to take that advice tonight.

I'm almost 100% better - perhaps 95%? - from that stupid cold; I went into work late on Monday and then when I called in Tuesday to say I'd be late again my boss told me to just stay home. Yesterday I was feeling a bit rundown, and today the cold is just about all over with, just a little bit of post nasal ickiness lingering.

But I don't think I'm pacing myself all that well, or maybe I'm just cranky at the break in routine that being sick caused, topped off by the time change. I am definitely feeling all out of sorts, and trying to figure out best how to deal with it without plunging myself into a big old guilt trip.

First of all, I'm going to go home instead of running errands and going to yoga (I can make up yoga on Tuesday) and rest. I really need to make rest more of a priority than I have been lately.

Last night Ben came over and nope, that wasn't restful. And I'm feeling a bit confused about how I feel about him. I'm not having oh my god this could be the one feelings and I'm not having holy shit get him away feelings and those are the only two positions on the spectrum I'm used to. And I'm a little concerned that all we seem to do is fool around; I don't know if we're necessarily getting to know each other all that well in the meantime. Or maybe it's just a slow process? I'm starting to think that maybe we should have taken the sex even slower, although now that we're having it, I sure don't want to stop, either. And there is something to be said about our compatibility there - I don't think I would be enjoying it as much if I didn't care for him to some extent or another, I can't do anonymous, distant sex anymore. (Geez, sounds like I gave up a whole lot, huh? :-)

And I think I'm apprehensive about what I'm afraid I could find out about him as I do get to know him better. I was saying to Brian#1 today that I think I'm afraid that his shyness and awkwardness could mask deep-seated psychological or personality problems, a la the Louse. Because I'm afraid that all I attract are unstable men. And Ben has mentioned going through bad depressions in the past. Part of me thinks, who of us hasn't? But part of me is on edge, at least cautious if nothing else. Which may not be fair to him; who the hell am I to judge someone on his past mental health status? But I'm just scarred by the way the Louse dragged me into his mental (un)health hell.

And you know, staying honest on this page, last night I was moving his backpack as I was making the bed, and I didn't know it was open. A prescription bottle fell out and I didn't try to read it as I put it back but I automatically read so fast that I couldn't help but see that it was a controlled substance, although I didn't recognize the name (I think it starts with "my" if I'm not mistaken.) It could be nothing - painkillers for his slipped disc. Or he could be taking heavy duty psych drugs and he could be seriously unstable. And I have no idea how much of this is paranoia, pure and simple. When I met the Louse he was on a drug he told me he was taking mainly to help him sleep at night; I looked it up to find that it was a major anti-psychotic and I glossed it over. In my fear of retreating back to glossing over, am I being paranoid instead?

I do think the physical intimacy has been a little unnerving, and all the more so for being so goddamn good - I think I'm a little freaked out because so much of my sexual history has been these random encounters where I held myself so distanced and rarely enjoyed myself - last night was the first time I had an orgasm with someone else in almost two years, and I forgot how damn raw it is to be in someone's arms, looking in his eyes, as you shake and thrash and cry out and forget your words and forget how to breathe and dizzily float back to earth, all as he still looks deep into you.

And look at my language here. Someone. His. Your. Could I be any more distancing? I make it sound like any two anonymous people in any anonymous bed, instead of a very individual act between two individual people, one of whom is me.

Maybe it's because Ben doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve as much as I'm used to, as much as I do. Maybe he is naturally reserved, and he is slowly coming out of his shell, and I unecessarily fear that his reticence hides something sinister, because I am so very afraid of something hidden and dark in him, in anyone I let in. And I think I'm even more afraid of turning into the woman I was when I met the Louse, into someone afraid and timid and a hollow shell of who I used to be.

Breathe, Aimee, breathe.

I need to remember that I'm okay. That if this anxiety is based in some kind of reality, then you know what, I can stop. I don't have to keep seeing him, I don't have to keep sleeping with him. Hell, if I want to, I can say "hey, you know, we're moving a little fast, how about we take a break for a while" (as my libido screams don't do it!). I have options. For some reason with the Louse I lost sight of any options I had really quickly; I cleaved myself to him, consequences be damned.

I think I will feel a lot better once we expand a little outside of the bedroom. We're going to the Bronx Zoo on Sunday for his birthday, where we will be compelled to keep our clothes on and our hands (relatively) to ourselves. And he'll be coming to Game Night at my place on the 14th and I think seeing how he interacts with my friends will help me put things in perspective as well. (And I fully expect my friends to be brutally honest with me if I've got some big blind spot, though I suspect Ben's got a big advantage of automatically looking like a prince compared to the Louse.)

Last night after sex we were drowsy and drifting in and out and getting very silly and I can remember very few of the details - he was using some engineering term that gave me the giggles, while I murmured in a sleepy tangent about whatever was on my mind and I kept stopping at my words to say "yes, convergence, that's a really good word, I like the way it feels when I say it" and that gave him the giggles - and it felt good.

I think I am afraid of that retreat, though, into that lovers' otherworld, since it was the space where the Louse imprisoned me.

Too much fear, too many circles, time to go home. Ben's not the Louse. I don't know Ben yet (and it's good to know that, to know that I can't possibly know him yet), but I'll get to know him, and no matter what I will protect myself.

(And damn this all! Being 100% single allowed me the illusion of being untouched, cured, of the pain and confusion that is the Louse's legacy. Damn for this hornet's nest being stirred up! Damn messy life!)