So, anyway, meh. Double and triple meh. I got the most frustrating call this afternoon from Richard - he was searching for his book on Google and found my diary in his searches (although none of my referral links were to a search for his book title) and basically asked me to remove mentions/links of his book. I did, because I said I would, and I try to always be a woman of my word, but damn that pissed me off. And boy was my face red. My pride is majorly bruised. He claimed not to have read much because he didn't want to invade my privacy; I don't necessarily believe him, and in the long run it doesn't matter, but I'm kicking myself for not thinking about the fact that I was leaving myself open for this sort of thing. For putting it out there where he could find it, and it's damn uncomfortable to think of him reading how he got under my skin. I forget just how public this forum is sometimes, and I need to keep it in mind, use more discretion - I don't care how he came across, because I only talked about what he really did, and if he didn't come across in a flattering way, well, that's not my problem. But I think about the larger picture, and I would not want my family to stumble on this, for fear of hurting their feelings (so funny - I love my family to death, but writing about my frustrations helps keeping me loving them, but I wouldn't want them to read about it.) I also wouldn't want any of the evil exes stumbling on this either. So I inserted something to keep search engines from finding this page; the stats-whore part of me stings to do it, but I'd rather avoid another repeat performance of this. I've been smarting from it all night.

But I have at least been able to keep reminding myself that I've got nothing to be ashamed of, that there's no shame in having had the exciting feelings I did in first meeting someone, and in feeling the frustration and disappointment in being dicked around. I'm human, I've got human emotions, and it's okay to feel them.

Goddamn, though, I'm still pretty damn bothered by this. More than anything, I hate that feeling of him having the upper hand - which is pretty messed up, I'm so not into those power games, but that's how it feels. Grrrr.

Oh well, I'll just feel the sting and get over it.

So. Anyway. I slept today until almost 1:00 PM, cause I went to bed at 5 AM, and that's gotten me all out of sorts - I did laundry today and unpacked and cleaned up a little, all of which I needed to do, but damn, I want a little fun. I think tomorrow I'm gonna go swimming at Lasker Pool, maybe check out the TKTS booth (although maybe not, cause I'm broke), maybe go to the movies, do something vacation-y. I'm definitely coming down from my San Francisco high.

Hee. Marty called me tonight and we chatted for half an hour, and I'm totally looking forward to hanging out with them this weekend - I am always a bit surprised at how much I adore him, seeing how much we drove each other crazy as kids. I told him about smoking a bowl in the redwood forest and he exclaimed "hey, I smoked in the Gulf Stream waters! You know what that means? This land is made for you and me!" And we both dissolved into giggles. Well, at least I did. I don't know that Marty giggles per se. But it brought me right back to when we moved into the house my parents live in now, almost 20 years ago, and we had never lived in separate bedrooms before, and we would talk to each other while we were in bed in our new individual bedrooms (right next to each other), and sing the patriotic songs they taught us at our new school - "This Land is Your Land" was one of them, hence the digression. He also used to sing "Roll on, Columbia roll on" while pantomiming rolling deodorant under his arms, which also tickled me endlessly.

That's the trouble with the super-duper in-jokes that Marty and I share: they just always sound kinda not-so-funny and vaguely lame when I try to explain them to anyone else. Not that that tends to stop me.