Completely tongue in cheek, people, if you couldn't tell. Please avail yourself of it if you like, but no pressure!

Anyway, I have really no interest whatsoever in seeing Pirates of the Carribean , but I have to say that every time the commercial comes on, I very much enjoy the sight of Johnny Depp swashbuckling in eyeliner... swoon! I have never been one for huge celebrity crushes, but Johnny Depp has almost always been my exception. (Him and John Cusack - I was watching Better off Dead last night and it brought back all those adoring adulations of my adolescence.) Let's hear it for Johnny Depp and his eye makeup!

My brother had this friend Mike in middle school or high school, I'm not sure I remember which, who had a total man crush on Mandy Patinkin, of all people. This guy was just obsessed with him. Mike met him backstage at a concert or a signing or something and had his picture taken with Mandy Patinkin, and Mike had the happiest, goofiest grin you could ever imagine - he used the photo to send out as Christmas cards, although now that I think about it, he made them Chanukah cards in honor of Mandy. It even got to the point where when we played Marco Polo in the pool, we would shout out "Mandy!" "Patinkin!" instead. Which, for some reason, was just much more fun. But hey, I've gotta say, Mandy did a great Inigo Montoya. "You killed my father - prepare to die!" Which reminds me that The Princess Bride was the last movie I saw before I lost my virginity, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail was the first movie I saw after I lost my virginity. As much as an evil dickwad as Brian#2 was, I do have happy memories of losing my virginity with him on the waterbed in my parents' basement. I also gave him that fateful first blowjob on that waterbed on Easter Sunday of 1992 - conflicted Catholic boy that he was, he was utterly scandalized and absolutely thrilled at the same time. Perhaps that's how he came to be so blowjob obsessed.

Oh man oh man, this is bringing back decade old memories that are cracking me up, but might be Too Much Information, feel forewarned to avoid the next paragraph if you don't want to know..

I don't remember the date of the very first time Brian #2 went down on me - it wasn't as memorable as Easter Sunday, although I know it was after - we were in the living room of the house he & his dad lived in, just a block away from Brian #1. I was on his couch with my shorts and panties on the floor, naked from the waist down, legs spread wide, he was on the floor with his head between my thighs, and he was going to town, and I was loving every minute of it, thrashing around, trying to keep as quiet as I could so we didn't alert his dad, when all of a sudden he sits up with this sickened, horrified look on his face. I was alarmed, like, oh god, do I taste bad or something? (a fear I think every woman grapples with at least once in her life.) He started clutching at his stomach and told me that he was having some kind of horrible stomach pains and he needed to go to the emergency room. So I rushed to get my clothes back on as he rushed to get his dad and we drove around in his dad's big old Caddy, me in the backseat all embarrassed because I could only imagine that his father had some clue what we had been up to, and flustered because I had come damn close to an orgasm but not close enough, and Brian was in the front seat with his dad, and we took a long circuitous route toward the hospital when Brian finally said "I feel better, we don't need to go" and he told me later that he had only had really bad gas pain and farted on the ride and that took care of everything! Oh god, so much for the tale of my first encounter with oral sex - how freakin' embarrassing! But too funny not to tell.

And then there was the time, not long after that, where Brian and I were hanging out in the same living room watching Weird Al and started fooling around (I would like to think that we were not specifically inspired by Weird Al) and I was in the middle of giving him a blowjob, completely oblivious to everything, when all of a sudden on the TV, Weird Al yells out "The House of Raw Pork!" and I started cracking up, mid-blowjob, and Brian started cracking up, and we joked about the House of Raw Pork for years after. Yes, he turned out to be a total dick, and I should have just let him go when he left me instead of sleeping with him two girlfriends and four years later, and I don't actually wish him well or anything, but hey, at least I can see the humor amid all the drama.