I do remember that there had been some sort of disaster - probably a plague - and there were only a handful of people left over; ironically, Brian and Keith and I all survived. I only remember snippets now:

I had hurt my arm and there was a big open sore on it and I had to try to figure out how to take care of it (I only remember lots of laying on the floor and moaning!) B&K and I were trying to determine what was going on - there was some mystery, who had started the plague, something like that - and we were in a big room and there was molten lava spilling in and solidifying into sticky black lumps and it turned out there was a volcano hidden in the basement. And then we went on a search to find who was responsible for it all and you'd think it was good old Randall Flagg, the Dark Man, but it turned out to be Kathy Bates, and she was actually really nice for someone who arranged an apocalypse. Weird stuff! But it was sort of a fun dream, oddly enough. Ever since I was a kid I've enjoyed dreams about being stuck in adverse circumstances and the camraderie involved with the people I was grouped with in surviving such circumstances (I often dreamed about being a detective solving crimes!)

It's a bit frustrating though that I can't remember enough to even coherently describe it. I really should keep a notebook by the bed.

Blah blah boringcakes.

Last night I read Left for Dead , the account of this guy Beck Weathers who was on the Mt. Everest climb in 1996 where a bunch of people died when they got caught in a freak storm. Weathers was, as the title suggests, left for dead when found by fellow mountaineers because he was practically frozen solid. Well, he obviously wasn't dead, but damn near close - he had horrible frostbite and lost a bunch of toes (he was talking about how he was walking down the hospital corridor after his rescue and his big toe just flew right off his foot! Not to mention that he was sitting down reading and a big chunk of his eyebrow just fell right into his lap) and he lost both hands and his nose. The plastic surgeon was able to reconstruct a new nose out of his forehead skin - they had to keep his nose attached to his forehead upside down to grow the blood vessels before they could attach it to his face. The book itself was actually pretty lame - there was a lot about how he was a self-absorbed prick and would abandon his family to go on climbs and it wasn't until Everest that he finally recognized how much he loved his family blah blah blah - but goddamn, I can't get enough of this extreme environment stuff.

I want to read all about climbing the Seven Summits and Shackleton and the Endurance and anything I can get my hands on about Antarctica and Alaska and the Himalayas and you name it, the more extreme the better. I'm not sure what my fascination is - god knows I would never want to do it myself! - maybe it's because I live in such an urban and controlled environment and I can barely fathom being truly exposed to the elements, how harsh and unforgiving nature really is. I remember when I was dating Brian #3 from Maine we went to the coast one day when there was a hurricane a few states south, and the ocean was this huge roiling raging grey beast, and the sky was teeming with angry grey clouds, and we sat on the rocks and just watched it and I couldn't stop, I was utterly mesmerized and I felt so insignificant but it wasn't a bad feeling, it was more a feeling of oh my god the world is so huge. I remember going to Niagara Falls in the winter when Brian and Keith had moved to Buffalo and the thunder and torrent of water utterly drew me in. I was standing on the American side of the falls and there's a place where you can stand tremendously close, and it took all my will power to stay standing and not throw myself into the falls. It wasn't even remotely a death wish - I just wanted to be part of that immense force.

Maybe that's what I'm missing in my daily life, feeling like I'm part of something bigger that my mere daily existence, bigger than going to work each day and what I'm going to make for dinner and what to watch on TV and who to call after nine when I get free minutes. Bah. This dissatisfaction will probably eventually be the impetus for me to make good changes in my life, but for now it's just a niggling annoying pain.