I'm in a cranky mood, although it's not too bad. My period is about 2-3 weeks late (good thing I'm not having sex or I'd be freaking out!) and I spent all weekend drunk or high or (most often) both and while I love Jill's company endlessly sometimes I worry that we feed off each other when it comes to overindulging in these vices that do nothing but numb me and then activate that deep core of self-loathing that I'm so desperate to be rid of. But I'm so often so pessimistic that instead of thinking "wow, I don't like the way I think or feel about myself, why don't I do [fill in the blank]" I'm more likely to think "oh god here come these feelings again I can't deal what do I do I can't handle this where's the weed/booze/junk food/TV etc." which more often than not makes me feel even worse about myself and it's all this goddamn vicious cycle (almost wrote viscous cycle!) and I'm just tired, tired, tired. I feel like there's so much I want to change about my life, but all I'm aware of is this dissatisfaction and this feeling of "gotta do something NOW!" but I don't know what I want. I'm not sure how to even begin figuring out what I want, because I just feel like it's so damn urgent to figure myself out now now now!

Meh. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with this. But in 1/2 hour I get to go home and unload all my stuff and hug Laika and go for a walk in the park and that's good stuff.