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Song in my head: Mood: Current book: Who doesn't hate Hotmail? I got in this morning to find 300 messages in my inbox, and only five were messages that I actually wanted to read. I have a suspicion that Hotmail sells addresses to spammers so that ordinary folks like me will be tempted to purchase the extra storage. I'm not tempted; I just want to bail out of Hotmail. Although right now it's about the only email I can handle right now being in such a state of flux. But but but - fantastic news! My catsitting ends on Saturday, and I was gonna sofa hop until the next Saturday before I could move into the new place. My new roommate called me to tell me I can move in Sunday - hence, no sofa hopping! The lousy part is that I don't even have a bed. And I can't buy one until I get my ATM card in the mail, which should be this week. Thankfully, the roomies have a futon in the living room I could probably sleep on for a night in the interim. But what a first impression!! I am still really struggling with feelings of anger and bitterness and grief. I guess that's normal. And it's bearable. But still, I have to wonder when I'll ever feel like I can trust someone. The betrayal I feel is stunning. Literally, like hitting my head on something and being stopped in my tracks and seeing spots and blanking out and sobbing and not knowing what is going on and being consumed with pain. Thankfully this feeling isn't an all day, all the time one. Although it sneaks up on me and blindsides me and sends me reeling when I least expect it. The hard part is that it's the good memories that hurt the most. If I remember him hitting me, or belittling me, or shutting me out emotionally, I am relieved to be gone. But when I'm alone at night in bed and I remember the times he was tender and gentle and kind, it tears at my heart. Last night I went to see Secretary and stood in line surrounded by happy couples kissing and holding hands and wrapping their arms around each other and for the first time since I left Louis, I felt venomous, envious, furious at all these happy couples who have something I can't. I suppose that's signficant that I use the words "I can't". I think part of that is the doom and gloom I can get stuck in. And another part of it is feeling discouraged from having so many unsuccessful relationships. And then for some reason I have this feeling like some of my friends and family prefer me single. Does that make any sense at all? I just get this feeling sometimes that people for one reason or another don't see me as a romantic, sexual person. I don't know if I'm just projecting my own fears or what. I just feel like there's this subtle sense of mockery around my love life. (If you're reading this, then I most likely don't mean you! The people I have in mind don't have this link.) I feel so strongly the picture others have in their heads about me; I let it influence me far too much. And I resent it far too much. And I've got a ton of work hanging over my head; I'll need to explore this further later. |
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