My boss is out today, so I'm having a nice easy transition. A little bit of work, a little bit of play. This here, obviously, is the play.

I've been feeling SO much better lately. I still have to take care of a lot of practical stuff. Like I need to still get my things from Louis. I still need to find a place to live (no small thing! But I really can't look much until I've got the money. I'm waiting to see if my grandmother can lend me some.) I've got to go through my mail. I've got to balance my checkbook (that I'm doing today.)

But, I AM doing those things. A little slower than I would like sometimes, but I'm taking those tiny little baby steps.

Meanwhile, I'm also letting myself have fun. That's been hard! I keep feeling as if I'm somehow negating how much I loved Louis and how much I put into the relationship by letting myself recover and enjoy my life.

But I also then realize that that really indicates how little I felt separate from him. All I'm doing now is enjoying MYSELF. Feeling my boundaries. Feeling what I want. It is no reflection on the love I had.

Friday night I went out with Brian and Keith for Brian's birthday, and we met up with a bunch of people from Brian's coven for dinner and drinks and dancing. At first I was not looking much forward to it - I felt gloomy - and I was even feeling very sad and sorry for myself as we walked from the restaurant to the bar.

But, hey, I stopped. I started having fun. And it wasn't just the alcohol talking.

I chatted up a bunch of Brian's friends. I reminded myself, hey, I'm attractive, appealing, fun, and very good company. I had no agenda other than enjoying myself. And I did. Brian's friend Kathy and I hit it off wonderfully (she reminded me of my mom, which is a good thing) and she kept telling me how much she thought I should get involved with their group.

His friend Harlon and I also talked a lot and boy, it was fun to have a little harmless flirtation. I had been talking with him and Rose and Erin (more friends) about Louis and how I had to leave, and how I'm not ready for anything serious for a long time, so I'm being really open about it. No games, I just want to meet people and enjoy their company. I even gave Harlon a little kiss goodbye.

And I felt in control. Not controlling, but in control of myself. Like here are my boundaries, here's what I want to do, instead of going along with what someone else wanted me to do.

And this morning! This morning my dad dropped me off at the Bridgeport train station so I could catch Metro-North to work. Nothing out of the ordinary. I waited outside of the station, reading a book and eating the corn muffin my mom gave me for breakfast. (Such a great mom I've got, I tell you.)

So this guy next to me starts talking to me and we wound up getting a seat together on the train and talking and flirting up a storm. Never would I have expected such a thing, especially so early in the morning!

His name is Ben and he's 21 (call me a cradle robber) and this is his last week doing an internship in the city; he goes to undergrad in Virginia and his parents live in Connecticut.

So we talked about movies and dating and Monty Python and bad pick up lines and laughed a lot and flirted a hell of a lot and he hugged me a couple of times and then he kissed me about ten minutes before my stop. And I kissed back. He was a great kisser. We kissed a lot in those few minutes, making-out teasing kissing. It was incredibly sexy.

Now, would I have ever done this if I thought I'd met someone I could be seriously interested in? Nope.

But he's long distance, way too young, and I had to define "decadent" and "euphonic" for him. No way was I jeopardizing anything with potential.

So I had fun. I felt flirty, sexy, enjoyable, light. One of the things that I was initially attracted to Louis for was how serious he could be about things. One of the things that made it difficult to be with him sometimes was how serious he could be about things. Sex had become so fraught with possible conflict.

So wow, was it fun to make out with Ben on Metro-North! I gave him my number. If he calls, we'll go out for coffee or a movie and some more kissing and maybe even more for the week he's got left here. If not, then I had a great time.

Like my friend Lisa says, no worries.

I like this. I feel like I'm tasting life.

I dyed my hair a honey amber brown this weekend, just to try something new. I saw an indie movie at the Angelika, just to try something new. I kissed a stranger on a train, just to try something new.

And yet, in all of this, I'm very aware of me. Where I start, where I end, what I want, who I am.