Keeping the online diary was the first time in a long time I'd started to feel my words again.

I feel especially betrayed by Louis using this as a forum to interact with me.

This is MY space. MY place. MY words. I'm feeling absolutely fucking selfish about it and I don't care. MY place only.

And I may have to hide again. The one place where I started being myself again. Where I finally started feeling like I had something worth saying. In order to stay safe and sane, I may need to go even more underground.

Of course, I've already been driven from my home. Although, to listen to Louis talk, it never was my home to begin with. He locked me out because it's his sanctuary and he didn't want the negative influence of my friends or family in there? Doesn't he get WHY they're so angry at him? Wouldn't he be furious if it was his sisters or nieces who were assaulted?

But it was my home too. I don't know that he ever felt that way. I don't know what to think. Nothing feels real. I remember the good times and I wonder if they were just a ruse. Or just me fooling myself.

I am so enraged. I can barely stand it. I just want to hide, hide, hide. I hate living in my skin right now. I feel too much. I feel like a burden to all my friends and family. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm still struggling with thinking that I must have deserved all of this in the first place. Or more that okay, I don't deserve to be hit or belittled or abused, but do I really feel like I deserve true happiness? Do I deserve love and compassion and kindness and friendship and desire and passion and respect?

I feel like I might as well hang in the towel. Give it up. Forget about ever loving again. Just be the jokey, asexual, fat-girl sidekick. Everyone's best friend and no one's lover. Everyone will enjoy my company but feel sorry for me in a way they can't articulate.