Comments:

BrianO - 2003-07-22 13:21:53
In some senses this entry was Too Much Information, but because you tell it so thoughtfully, with so much introspection, it ends up being art. You're willing to dive into the dark places of your life and look at them, unflinchingly, and try to make whatever changes are necessary. That's important. And it's not easy.

I hope you realize that you didn't deserve The Louse. You never deserved him. You're a bright and beautiful person who doesn't deserve the crap he put you through. You seem to be learning that lesson. I hope so.

>Junior asked me "what did my uncle say to you to get you to like him?"

Bright kid.
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Cristin - 2003-07-22 15:01:31
I really appreciate your entries because I can relate to them, and in doing so I can understand how one comes to be in a relationship like that and how it could happen to any of us. You have nothing to be embarassed or ashamed about. The only one who should be ashamed is him for treating you so horribly.
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Aimee - 2003-07-22 16:53:08
Wow, thanks again, guys.. I sort of feel bad for my regular readers, because I keep going over just difficult stuff, but I like to think that I'm at least giving adequate warning!

I do finally - or at least am coming to - realize that I didn't deserve any of the shit he put me through. (And he sure as hell didn't deserve having me in his life!) It still makes me nervous that I allowed so much of it, but putting it out there in physical form (there it is again, that need to make manifest the internal) makes it easier to look at, understand, change.

And, wow, Brian, thanks. Bright? Beautiful? Art? I struggle to accept that, but hey, we've all seen where the alternative leads me.. :-) Ironic, though - just this morning I was writing about how self-absorbed my writing is, how I'm getting stronger and stronger about dealing with my past, but I can't picture being able to write anything else, and it doesn't seem like art to me to purge myself of the Louse. But maybe this is a necessary step to move forward.

I'm sorry to hear that you can relate to my entries, Cristin, 'cause who would want to be able to relate to my horror story?, but I'm glad you appreciate them, thanks!

The more I think about it, the more I think I really need to submit to the Dick List!
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brian1 - 2003-08-05 16:30:47
we are all put together with spit and chewing gum and Silly Putty...some people pretend that's not true, that they're just perfect...they're the scary ones... we all have pain. we all have scars. yes, some more than others...but all it takes is an open heart to realize that each of us carries pain. it's certainly not going to stop someone from loving you. as for the S&M fantasies...well, they're not inherently bad...i know you think they maybe come from a place of weakness...they can be a source of empowerment for you. how much control are you willing to give...who's the one in control, really, in those situations? generally, people only have as much control over us as we turn over to them. without us, they have no power. that the louse had so much power over you is not testament to his strength, but to yours...he got that all from you. it's all inside you. no one can deny that you are a Goddess in your own right! ha! the thought is laughable! perhaps all you need to do is channel that immense power toward yourself and, if someone is worthy of it, share it with someone who also shares some of his power with you.
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