(Gotta remember - that's okay. Not every damn word I write here has to be freakin' literature.)

So I woke up today and I immediately thought to myself, shit, I don't feel much better, even though I went to bed at 10:00 and woke up at 8:00. The fog in my head decreased a little bit, but there was still this heavy feeling of oppression, like one of those lead aprons you wear during an x-ray.

As the day progressed, I felt more functional, but everything is still colored in muted tones.

Around 2 or so I finally got the nerve to call a clinician who is near my office. For some reason it was really hard to pick up the phone - you'd think I'd be used to it by now after all the damn therapy I've been through. Looks like it's time to do the dance again.

(Much thanks to Rose , who chatted with me online and gave me a well-needed (and entertaining) pep talk that inspired me to finally pick up the phone.)

So anyway, the clinician called me back just now and I'm seeing him tomorrow morning at 10:30. He's only 11 blocks away, and he sounded really nice - had a reassuring, empathetic tone (or am I just grasping at straws?) - and this should be interesting, I've never seen a male therapist before.

So I've gotta brace myself for the intake, but again, this is old hat now. Talk about my history of depressive episodes. My family history. The slow loss of interest and energy - the apathy and lethargy that have stolen into my bones. The fact that the winter probably has something to do with it.

(I am also realizing that hello, this past weekend I smoked a lot of weed and went back on the pill. In the past, the pill has plunged me into depressions before, but the brand I'm on is a very low dose of hormones and never has before. But either or both of the two could be influencing this general trend. And dammit, I don't want to stop the pill, but I'll mention it anyway. I'm starting to get it that full disclosure is in my best interest. This is coming from someone who managed to make it through two years of therapy before mentioning the open relationship arrangement with the louse to my therapist. I'm really good at avoidance.)

Anyway, I need to go home and walk Hans and take a shower before Ben comes over. I'm gonna tell him about my appointment tomorrow - I imagine he will understand.