That said, though, I had a marvelous time at the beach!! We're going back next week too. Andi and I spent hours in the water swimming and floating and riding the waves and bobbing up and down and laughing (while poor Doron manned the blankets), and it was amazing, I didn't feel the least bit self-conscious. In fact, I felt lovely and beautiful and damn if that didn't feel good. I wore a navy blue one-piece that Andi gave me, with gold metal adornments on the shoulders, and a red sarong at my waist, and my hair was loose and flying, and I felt like I belonged, and I never would have believed it if you would have told me even a year ago that I could feel so self-assured in a bathing suit in public.

And oh, if I felt fine on the sand, I felt just ecstatic in the water. I can't even begin to express it, how graceful and smooth and alive I felt in the water. I've almost always swam in pools - as kids we used to go to my grandmother's and swim in her pool, we only ever went to the beach once the whole time I was growing up - and I've waded in the ocean, but this time I felt like I could have lived there. Every once in a while the waves would crash over my head and my mouth and nose would fill with salt water and I would sputter and spit and shake my head and it was wonderful, the insistence of the water and the motion, so alive, and Andi pointed it out too, we felt insignificant, tiny, lost in this huge creature of the sea. I didn't want to get out at all.

And this may not make sense to my thin readers, but maybe my fat readers will understand how momentous this was for me: instead of getting dressed after getting out, I just air dried for a bit and then threw my shorts on over my bathing suit without putting a shirt on over it. No big deal, right? For me, it was a huge deal (no pun intended!!) I never go out with a shirt tucked in, or too tight, or anything, because I am so self-conscious about my belly, as if I have this magical thinking going on of if I wear something loose over my belly, then no one will notice that I'm fat. Which is hysterical, when I think about it, because duh, it's pretty obvious no matter what I wear. But I still always want to hide. But yesterday I just didn't care, and even though I was nervous, I just walked around and we had dinner and you know what? The world did not come to an end, I did not instantly dissolve into a puddle, just because the shape of my belly was showing - and in fact, the bus driver even flirted with me as I was getting off the bus. Again, I never would have believed it possible.. :-)

Small things, but such a big difference.

And on Saturday my parents and Marty and Aimee and Chloe came to visit and we went to the Bronx Zoo and then after my parents went home and we drove the entire length of Broadway to show Chloe New York and she was just amazed, she couldn't stop looking and talking about everything she saw, and I thought her eyes were going to fall out of her head when we got to Times Square and she was absolutely fascinated with the subway, and I had just a lovely time with my family.

A good weekend all around!

I'd write more but I'm off to dinner!