But, I did figure I'd share this story with you (culled a lot from a chat with Rose; Rose, sorry to bore you, m'dear!)

Ben was away at a symposium last week, and just came back yesterday, and came over last night, and he was really tired when he got there. I've been having a really stressful week at work, I haven't been sleeping well lately, I'm moody and PMS-y, and was really tired myself. I'd also really missed him a lot while he was gone, and was looking forward to seeing him so much last night, but our "reunion" was pretty anticlimactic considering our moods, and that just sort of made me feel mopier.

Then we wound up having a miscommunication over our plans for the weekend, where I wound up taking things personally that I usually never would (I thought we were going to the beach on Sunday, but he wanted to see his dad alone for Father's Day, and even though I know they have this really awkward and uncomfortable relationship, and it has nothing to do with me, I wound up pouting and saying "so what, you don't want me there?") and I started crying, and then I brooded for a while, and he was getting frustrated because he didn't really know what was upsetting me so much and he didn't know what to do about it, and after way too much of all of this, I burst into tears again and just blurted out "I just keep thinking about what's gonna happen when you graduate and I don't know where you're going to go and what's going to happen to us and I was too scared to say anything!" 'Cause that's really what's been weighing on my mind, and I've been nervous about saying anything, because it made me feel just uber-vulnerable, but it just kinda came to a head and I had to get it out.

So he told me that he could understand why I was scared and nervous, and hugged me, and then he said something like "well, um, I want to be with you for a long time, like a really long time, and sometimes I think about having kids together - but I'm not really sure about that, you know - I'm not making plans or anything, I don't know, and it's kinda like you know, when you're a kid in school and you think about someone you like, and you think like oh, 'I'd be Aimee RandomLastname' and, um, I just didn't know if you'd want to be so far from your family, not that I want to leave New York, but I might have to, and I'd want you to come with me if you wanted to, and um, I guess it would be appropriate, um, if we moved in together at that time."

(Later on I pointed out, with much humor and good cheer, the utter lack of romance in "it would be appropriate" - and that night in bed he turned to me and said "I believe it would be appropriate to give you a goodnight kiss.")

So, I'm really happy to know that he wants to have a future with me - I already knew that's what I wanted, but damn if I was gonna assume he wanted the same! So, yay!

And while we're at it, I wrote an entry on Sunday that I haven't posted yet, so here goes that too. Two for the price of one!

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I think I've been in a bit of a mini-depression (depression lite?) - or at least a funk. I think I'm starting to come out of it.

For Memorial Day weekend, Ben and I rented a car and drove up to my brother's place in Massachusetts. It was a bit of a struggle trying to find a non-gouging price for a rental car not too far from the Manhattan area, and I looked for about two weeks, and everything was a starting price of about $300 for Friday-Sunday. I finally found something I thought would work, and then asked Ben to reserve it (he's got the only credit card between us), and he did it too late, and they didn't have cars left, and I was a little panicky. And then Ben went and did some looking (since he had to use his credit card, I decided I would do the research to even things out) and in half an hour, he found a great deal. I hadn't thought to look in New Jersey, d'oh! We took a bus from the George Washington Bridge Bus Terminal (just 4 subway stops from my apartment) into Fort Lee, NJ - it cost us a dollar and took us five minutes - and there's a Budget right where you get off the bus. It was a breeze and the rental was only $35 a day. It cost us $200 to rent from Friday to Monday, and that's just because Ben opted for the well, optional, insurance. Next time we won't even get that.

I relay this in such detail just to give a heads up to any of my Manhattan readers on how easy and cheap it was!

And it was really such fun to have a car. I have my license but don't like to drive - it scares me - and Ben likes to drive, so he was happy to take the wheel. I think we were both conscious of the possibility of tension and strife in trying to get out of the city on a holiday weekend, but it worked out wonderfully - we didn't get short with each other or fight, and it felt like such a grand adventure, us subway types with a car! We're talking about doing it again for the July 4th holiday and maybe driving up to Vermont or something.

Anyway, though, as much fun as it was to visit my brother and his family (and Neil was there too!), I made the mistake of joining Marty and Neil and Aimee in their typical all-day-long weed smoking - I usually do when I visit - and as usual, I felt kinda lethargic and icky the next day. But this time, the lethargy and the short attention span lasted. I don't know if it's all to blame on the weed - I feel like I've been relatively unfocused for a while - but I think it had something to do with it. And I know not to do it again, because more than two weeks of this is awful. I've been feeling moody as well (I've been easily reactive since going off the pill - the hormonal difference makes it easy for me to cry or get irritable at the drop of a hat) and I've been spacey and I don't like it.

This weekend has been a little better. Ben had to go to Maryland on short notice for a conference, and Keith was out of town for work, and the idea of spending a weekend alone with no plans and no company got me motivated to do something. Saturday I went to see the Harry Potter movie with Andi (the best yet! I love the change in directors) and then did massive amounts of laundry all night. Then Sunday I went to the Bally's in Riverdale for a free two-week tryout - I used to have a membership with Bally's that I let lapse when my wallet was stolen two summers ago because I didn't know they had any clubs nearby, but now that I know there's one just ten minutes away, I'd really like to reinstate it (I am just hoping they don't make me start anew - I paid a lot for that initial membership!) So I went today and worked out on the elliptical trainer (my favorite, it's so smooth) and then for a quick few laps in the pool, a dip in the whirlpool, a soak in the steamroom, and then the best part - a shower with real water pressure! I figured I needed all the endorphins I can get, feeling as I have lately. (Update! I found my old membership info, called back, and for just $100 I reinstated the membership, and now it's just EIGHT dollars a month. Can you say whoo hoo?)

I am reluctant to get too into it, because it's making me feel uncomfortable, but I just feel like I'm coasting right now. I wish I lived somewhere other than my apartment - I feel so cramped here! - but if Ben and I are going to live together in the somewhat near future, it wouldn't make any sense to spend my money moving out if I'm just going to do it again. Then again, Ben and I haven't had any discussions about living together, because I'm too chicken to mention it, especially because I don't want to move in together without plans to get married in the future (I know it's old fashioned, but I've been burned before, and I don't want to play at being roommates - I want to build a life and a future together.) And so that's a big conversation. It doesn't have to happen all at once, but I'm starting to think it needs to start happening. Not that I want to harrass him, or rush things, but I want to see that I'm not totally at odds with his picture of the future. (Obviously, you see what happened with that!)

And then there's the fact that I don't know what I want to do with my career life - I like my job enough, and enjoy it, but I feel like I need more, but I don't know if I feel that way just because everyone looks at me and thinks "oh look at her, wasting and squandering her intellligence and talent with just a bachelor's degree." I wish I were burning with desire for a career, that there was something that I loved. But the longer time goes on, the more I lose confidence in my abilities, and when I think of getting a job with more responsibility, I freak out that I couldn't handle it. Do I get a master's degree just to have one? I don't think I want to do social work anymore - the helping professions have always seemed interesting to me, but I know I'd get burned out super-fast - I'm too thin skinned. Everyone tells me I should look into writing but hell, look at these pages lately - I can do it sometimes, and when I do it well, I do it really well, but those bursts of inspiration come few and far between. (Anyone notice the number of cliches in here?) Am I disciplined enough to do it? Sometimes I think about the school of journalism, but I don't want to be a reporter - the idea of daily deadlines stresses me out just thinking about it. (Maybe I should talk to Rose - she might have better insight than I.) The other day Ben said that he thought I would make a great librarian, just a day after the thought had crossed my mind - maybe I should look into that too? (The big problem with that is Columbia doesn't offer a librarian degree, and I've already got student loans up the wazoo.) It's just all so frustrating!

Gee, I was much more fun getting over the Louse, don't you think? Or at least more interesting.

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