2004-03-31 @ 10:24 a.m. | Two whole weeks?

Song in my head: something from The Mars Volta, don't know the name

Mood: absolutely drained

Current book: Signature Killers (more true crime)


Has it really been two weeks? I guess I shouldn't be surprised - I am so completely and thoroughly exhausted, two weeks seems like a blur.

It's mainly been work. Which, in a way, has been good, in an odd way. I had been feeling kind of bored and unmotivated on the job sometimes, but having all these projects that are really important and knowing that I'm providing a vital piece to them, well, that's been feeling very satisfying. Knowing that I can rise to the challenge, and then actually doing it, is a lot more fulfilling than random websurfing on slow days. Though today I am taking it a little easier - I just need to breathe or I'm going to crash. During the past two weeks I have been working through lunch and staying very late and taking work home and boy, do I need this upcoming vacation.

Which is a little stressful itself. I still have to somehow manage to do laundry by Thursday night (even though I'm getting home after nine tonight and tomorrow) and borrow a suitcase from Andi and Doron and get everything here at work Friday morning so Ben can meet me here at work so we can take the bus to LaGuardia and my mind is spinning with the lists of things I need to do before we leave and the things I can't forget to bring and oh, I can't wait for Friday night when we finally go to bed in Charlotte and I can just collapse.

Not to mention that I had to take Laika to the vet last night and it was just wrenching - the last time I went to a vet was when I took Frankie in and he never came home again after that and I spent the last few days randomly breaking out into tears in fear of what the doctor was going to find and was she going to die? Ben and Keith kept telling me not to worry, that she looked healthy, it's just her teeth, and I knew that, but I couldn't help reacting to my fears anyway. When we walked into the vet's office yesterday I started crying and didn't stop until long after we got home, even though Ben and Keith were right, it was her teeth. Poor Laika - she's got some pretty badly infected gums. When I get back from NC, I'm taking her in for blood work and then dental surgery after. Thank god for my vet insurance!!

But my god, the crying - it is such a relief to feel a little more stable. All the grief I'd had for Frankie just came flooding back, and I was just choking on it, and with all this stress I've been having over work, it's been almost too much.

Oh geez, not to mention that I went to donate platelets a few weeks ago and my blood pressure reading was uncharacteristically high (I've always had great BP) and it turns out it was because of the pill so now I've had to go off of it. The frustration!! Not just the frustration of having to use less convienient contraception, but the frustration of the hormonal changes, and having bloody crampy periods again, and then the scariness of the high reading, although thankfully BP goes back to normal after going off the pill (though I do need to get it checked again, though I imagine with all this stress it probably isn't as low as it could be!)

And have I mentioned the stress of the idea of spending a whole week with Ben's family? Though he told me that his mom thought I was great when she met me the first time; hopefully she'll think that after a week of my company.

Ben has been wonderful through all of my stressiness, and it is, again, such a welcome relief after the louse never supporting me during anything. Ben's been holding me and comforting me when I cried over my Laika fears, understanding when I had less time available, supportive of and contributing to our new, less fun contraceptive routine, and basically very considerate of how I've been feeling in general. Sunday night I worked on editing the references for the textbook my boss co-authored (nine chapters and hundreds of references that all needed to be put into APA style - I could do it in my sleep, I tell you) and Ben read an article for school and we turned off the TV and listened to Wings' Greatest Hits as we worked quietly and somehow that was just so good and just what I needed.

Ack. I should get back to work. I'm feeling a lot less functional than I have been lately, so I'd better get back on the ball. Ah, sweet vacation, how I long for you!

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