I've never really had a super happy Vday (I like calling it Vday, makes me think of VD) - either I was single and grumpy about it, or I wasn't single, and my boyfriends complained about how close it was to my birthday, and did they have to go do something for me again? So I think I went into this year's Vday with even more elevated expectations that since I'm finally with a good boyfriend, this was gonna be the Best! Valentine's! Ever!

The funny thing is, it actually was the best Vday I've ever had, but goddamn, it sure didn't start off that way!

Friday night Andi and I took a bellydancing class, but since it was the holiday weekend (for everyone but me, that is!), it was pretty empty - just me and Andi and our friend Sandy. Andi was an absolute natural, and I absolutely wasn't, and I took it ridiculously hard. Cause I just wasn't getting it. My movements were jerky and uncoordinated, and I couldn't figure out what they were doing, or what I was supposed to be doing, and I was getting so stressed out about it - why couldn't I figure it out immediately? - and I was fighting back tears of frustration for most of the evening. Which is such a shame, because I just wanted to have fun, and I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to just relax.

And then Ben and Doron met us, and we had a nice dinner, but the movie didn't work out, and the four of us were just tired, and I spent a lot of the evening feeling inadequate. Ben was feeling kind of moody too, and it was actually kind of nice in a very weird way to get home and mope and bitch and complain to Ben about how crabby I was feeling and he did the same and we were both pretty understanding. Like there is space to not have to be Pollyanna Sunshine.

Fast forward to the dreaded Vday morning. We had originally discussed going to City Island for the day to walk around and get seafood, but then it turned out that Ben forgot his anti-depressants and was going to have to go home (which is a 90 minute subway ride one-way) so that wasn't going to happen. Not to mention that he slept really late, and I had really been looking forward to spending an entire Saturday together, and I spent hours in bed next to him awake, reading, getting grumpier and more resentful that our plans weren't gonna work out the way I wanted them to. So by the time he woke up, I'd been stewing for a while, and just started blurting out things like "I don't feel like you really want to spend Valentine's Day with me and you're just doing it out of obligation" and all my frustration of the past day came flooding out in a torrent of tears.

And Ben was just kind of silent, which frustrated me even more, and then whoa, he made the mucho freaking frustrating mistake of starting to say something like "come on, you don't need to cry, you know I really like you." Boy, isn't that when I really realize I'm his first girlfriend - you don't say that! So then I started crying even more, sobbing, "I thought you loved me, you don't love me anymore, or you don't love me as much as I love you, and you're gonna leave me" and it just got messy. He was still being quiet, and that got me crying even harder, and then he said, "listen, I don't know what to say, but I just don't want to get into a pattern where you start bringing up all these things that aren't true and I reassure you" and for some reason it just calmed me down. I started to feel little more rational. Cause even though I was feeling all these stressy things, I was crabby, I was tired, he had just woken up, by this time it was almost 4 PM and we hadn't eaten, we were OFF.

So I took a couple of deep breaths and stopped crying and said something like, "listen, I'm just feeling stressed and I really wanted you to be affectionate with me and being in bed next to you while you slept so late reminded me of the louse, and how he would be so cold and rejecting to me when he did wake up, and I just felt like since it was Valentine's Day it had to be perfect and I probably just should have asked you to be affectionate with me instead." And he kissed me and we had great make-up sex and agreed to meet up later for dinner.

And that was really nice. He took me to the restaurant where we went on our wildly successful third date, and even got to sit at the same exact spot, and boy, was that romantic. We shared a bottle of wine, and chocolate mousse with strawberry sauce and talked a lot about how nervous we were on those first dates, and how happy we were to have met each other, and grinned a lot, and relaxed. After we got home we stayed up until 4 am, laughing and talking and it was so good.

I felt closer to him than ever, and then another weird moment - I hugged him (we were lounging around nude after sex, and it is so good to be so comfortable in my own skin to be naked with someone and not think a thing of it) and said, "oh Ben, I really do love you" and for some reason he responded, "I think I love you too." But as annoying as that was - where was this think coming from? - it didn't upset me at all this time. I just kissed him again and said something like, "I don't know what your problem is with the word "love" today, but I'm not gonna worry about it, because I know you love me, cause I'm so wonderful." And I was feeling blissful and happy and I wasn't going to make a production out of it just then and there (timing is everything, eh?) and everything he does says that he loves me. And then later that night as I was falling asleep, practically under, he pulled me close and kissed me and told me, "oh, I love you," completely voluntary and completely heartfelt.

Words. Actions. I'm paying attention to both. I think that's why I'm writing out all this detail. To sort out what's going on. To make sure I'm not glossing over any big problems. And I don't think I am. I'm gonna pay lots of attention to what the "I love you" weirdness meant. A symptom of big problems? A weird glitch? A sign that he might be getting a little scared? A brain fart? I don't know, so I'm gonna keep collecting information, and just keep making sure I'm taking care of myself.

But for now, while I'm gonna keep my feelers up, I'm going to pass this off as some weird manifestation of ordinary anxiety, and not a death knell, and keep moving forward, both with Ben and with me. Cause two people in a relationship is difficult sometimes! Balancing needs and learning how to talk to each other - I forget how much easier it can be to be untethered and to not have to keep someone else in consideration. But the work is worth it.

(Last night I called him - which I rarely do - and told him about my yoga teacher's one woman show, and we stayed on the phone for half an hour, and he told me how he got a new silverware holder for the dish strainer, and he was really happy about this holder, and explained its workings in great detail, and his enthusiasm over such a small thing was so endearing. It's these small moments I enjoy so much.)