I didn't tell Ben about the pregnancy test yet. I won't mention it until I've got my period and I'm on the pill. It's not that I didn't want to trouble him or make waves - it was more that I still am revealing myself to him slowly, keeping a core of me reserved and protected and entirely my own. This is such a new feeling to me. To not be consumed into someone else's life. To feel a core integrity - that no matter what happens with him, I am an entity of my own. It makes the coming together sweeter in a way - it is my choice, not controlled by outside forces.

Last night had been a week since I saw him and it was really very sweet, very tender, when he came to my door and we were so happy to see each other. I had missed him.

Though I still am rocked with ambivalence sometimes. Again: I don't have these strong feelings that he's The One! nor is my head or heart shouting "run away, run away!" and that is also so foreign to me. This slow pace of discovery is disconcerting to me (especially since I am revealing myself so gradually.)

Something terribly unfair of me, that I'm trying to get over: often his very human flaws and weaknesses make me uncomfortable. His revelations of his shyness and doubts and fears (all at a normal level as far as I can tell) make some Neanderthal part of my brain shout hey wait a minute! You're supposed to have it together so you can take care of me!, which I am horrified to admit. I do think part of it is due to leftover lingering unease from the louse, which is very unfair, but I need to acknowledge it's in there or else I can't deal with it, right?

Like last night Ben told me that he's been seeing a therapist for depression, and he's told me earlier that he's on meds for it, and hello, my life story, and it would probably never bother me at all except that that was something that the louse and I also had in common. (Something else tells me that I would be a fool to try to winnow my dating pool in NYC to those with no history of therapy; slim pickings, I suspect.)

But I'm very wary of the part of me that wants a man with no problems, who'll take care of me, who'll be just a little better off and better adjusted and bring me up. I can't believe I'm even saying this - I consider myself a feminist, yet I've got this stuff in my head?