So tonight was my second date with Ben (and I feel like a spaz talking about dating when I should be talking about politics, no?) and I just don't know how I felt about it. He's a nice, decent guy, he's cute, he seems to like me. He's really bright, and has a dry sense of humor, but it all seems to take a lot of time and awkwardness to get that to show through. It feels suspiciously like work. But maybe it'll get easier with time? But the thing about that that makes it difficult is that the longer I take to make my mind up, the harder it'll be to call things off if it isn't working. There are lots of endearing things about him, but is it shallow of me to want to meet someone more dynamic? I used to be painfully shy, I know what it's like. Maybe I'm just being impatient? But I'm also no longer painfully shy; somehow, without me noticing, I have become relatively outgoing and social and gregarious, and that's what I find appealing and attractive in other people.

Am I being unrealistic and teenage-y and self-delusional for wanting an instant connection, that chemistry and affection that just grows exponentially as you talk and look at each other and you can't stop stealing glances in each other's eyes and you just want to touch each other in little casual ways and you feel swoony and light on your feet?

Ben kissed me when he first met me at the restaurant and it was soft and gentle and definitely gave me a tingle; as we parted at the subway station he kissed me deeper, pulled me closer to him, and I could feel myself holding back, holding tense - he wasn't the greatest kisser but he wasn't bad but am I just, again, pushing away anyone who may treat me nicely? Funny, other than Metro-North Ben , I haven't been able to enjoy kissing anyone since leaving the Louse, and even with MNB, the last time we saw each other he was trying to kiss me passionately and I just wanted to crawl out of my skin and get out of there (and he at least did take me home).

Though wait, I do remember that kissing Richard - ugh - was fun and I didn't get all scared or tense, although he wound up being a grade A asshole anyway. (Speaking of him, btw, I am almost 100% certain I saw him in the park today! I was sitting on a park bench eating lunch and I looked up and swore I saw him coming my way - I just went back to reading my book until I was sure he left. I didn't want to deal with him, even to make eye contact.) And the sucky thing about the stuff with him is that I was initially so into him, and I felt that chemistry, and he was a jerk. So chemistry isn't everything - the Louse had it too - but what about the absence of chemistry? I just don't know!

But it just frustrates me. It's been over a year!! All I want to do is meet someone I can relax with. I feel so beautiful and fun and wonderful when I'm with my friends, and even on dates lately I can feel lovely and pleasant to be with, and good company, and attractive, and I am all that. But when someone kisses me and I just get so tense and shut off, I feel like goddamn proverbial damaged goods. Like I'll never be totally healthy or whole.

I'm just so confused. I feel like Ben could be someone I could be safe with - and I'm not talking forever here, lest that's how it comes across - someone that maybe it would be okay to be tense and nervous at first with. Although so far we don't seem to have much of an emotional connection going on (it's only been 2 dates, Aimee!) - but there is something. I don't know how to quantify this (why do I need to quantify this?) I am just really reluctant to wind up getting in over my head because I'm lonely and craving connection. I don't want to lead him on (and a good question for exploration: why do I always feel like agreeing to go on another date is akin to promising the world?) I don't want to hurt him, or anyone. I don't want to get hurt. Am I manufacturing drama to avoid genuine connection? I'm afraid to make mistakes.

In the meantime, if anyone has any wisdom to send my way (and if anyone does have wisdom, it's you, my readers!), well, I sure won't turn it down.

Sigh. Someday I'll get back to writing entries of some depth.