Tonight is my artist�s date night and I brought my stuff to go swimming in the park and I may still do that, but someone posted on the fatgirlbreakdown yahoo list about a show that I�m feeling compelled to go to. It�s a concert/performance by Nomy Lamm , whom I�d only ever heard of, never heard her music - she describes herself as a �badass fatass jew dyke amputee, performance artist, writer and activist� and the show sounds too good to miss, and tonight and tomorrow are the only non-West Coast performances she�s doing. So now I just have to decide if I�m going to get the swimming in before hand and then go to the show, or go swimming tomorrow.

Now I�m sneezing. Maybe swimming will have to wait until tomorrow. I�m not so sure I can handle the pain of changing again, anyway � I thought I was gonna cry from the pain of putting my bra on today.

I will say, I�m enjoying the artist�s dates because ordinarily I would think of a million reasons not to go to something like that, but now I feel like I have to. Imagine having to give yourself permission to have fun! I�m so damn Puritan at heart.

That said, I�m feeling very mopey and restless and dissatisfied. Which I suppose is okay, who can feel upbeat and happy all the time, but it doesn�t mean that I have to like it. Last night I got home around ten and felt lonely (coming home often feels lonely to me, thank god Laika is there, it would be much worse without her) and checked my email and no personal emails (although god knows I get plenty during the day, and it was only a few hours after my last one) and today I find myself perusing the Craigslist casual encounters half in the mood to post my own but I don�t believe I could possibly ever muster up the nerve. But what am I so scared of? I just don�t know how I really feel about casual sex. I know I don�t ever want to have the kind of degrading, soulless, makes-me-feel-even-lonelier sex of my past. And I do really want to have a long term loving relationship. Does that mean that I have to be completely celibate until I find the right guy? Is this my all or nothing, black or white thinking coming to a head (no pun intended!)? Is it really possible to have friendly, affectionate sex with someone outside of a relationship without it turning into something negative? I�m just so scared of having more negative experiences, but don�t I also have to take risks? Can�t I trust myself to take reasonable risks (such as caring too much or being emotionally vulnerable) as opposed to unsafe risks (such as getting drunk and going to a stranger�s apartment when no one knows where I am)? Can I trust myself to say no to someone I don�t want to have sex with? Can I trust myself to put limits on what I�m comfortable doing?

I remember a few months before I met the Louse I went out a few times with this guy Deepak that I met through an online personal ad, and while he wasn�t someone I would have gotten involved with long-term (I remember going to his apartment and being so excited that he had Steven Pinker�s How the Mind Works (I had just that day bought Words and Rules) and he told me that he never read it, he just had it on his bookshelf so he would look smart, with a totally straight face), but he was cute and sweet and I liked his company, and we were very attracted to each other. On the third date, when I came to his apartment, we wound up making out on his sofa and going into the bedroom and I told him that I wasn�t ready to have sex, and I would only take my top off, and he took only his top off too. We spent hours kissing, holding each other, touching � I remember he ran his hand down my arm with the lightest of touches and I shuddered and shivered, my whole body reacted, lit up � and I was so completely there in that moment, just feeling and being, no wandering, and there was something so erotic about being on top of him half nude, half clothed - he had his arms around me and held me so close � and we moved against each other, kissing deeply, constantly, and I was shocked by the sudden orgasm that hit me, and he came too, at the same time, and what a sweet surprise that was, to reach a release together in such an unexpected way.

And forgive the slip into reverie, if you will, lest you all think I�m some kind of sex maniac, which may or may not be true anyway � my whole point is that I would love to have that kind of moment with someone again. Something kind and genuine and passionate and positive, even if it is with someone who comes into my life temporarily. But I�m still so scared. I don�t want to be hurt again (and of course I�m going to hurt again, I have to remember that, being vulnerable hurts, and you can�t connect with someone without being vulnerable) and unfortunately, for the past three years, sex has been damn synonymous with pain.

What I�m finding so hard is that I don�t want to be sexual with someone I don�t even like, but if I like someone, and then we have sex, then it changes, and then I wind up liking him too much, and then it scares him off, and then I feel lonelier and emptier for having been so stupid to care so much.

Goddamn, since when am I such an emotional mess? Although perhaps that�s unnecessarily harsh. Perhaps I should be more compassionate toward myself for having such confusion and pain, and not harangue myself for not having all the answers.

I guess part of me just wants to have someone take my hand and say �this is what you need to do�, whether it is �go put out a Craigslist ad� or �stay celibate until you meet Mr. Right� or something in between (it�s probably really telling that I have a hard time imagining that in between), and I don�t trust myself to know the right answer.

Maybe I just need to learn to live with the not-knowing, and make the best decisions I can, and protect myself the best I can without hiding away from the world.

I�m still feeling a bit under the weather (I�ve been writing this all day in between my boss�s frantic phone calls from the next office summoning me in to help her move files from hard drive to floppy disc) but I�m going to go tonight anyway. I�d rather regret not staying home than regret not going.