I've gotta say, that last entry wiped me out. I hope I didn't scare anyone away! All these Louse issues just poured out of me and frankly, it was exhausting - I didn't expect it. Yesterday I went home a bit early and crashed on my bed as soon as I got home (I just changed first; don't want to muck up my work clothes with cat hair!) and got about 20 minutes worth of nap in before my phone rang. Damn, I always forget to turn the ringer off when I'm sleeping! But I rested a lot last night, and cleaned a little, and then did my Artist's Way exercises, and felt back to normal.

I'd actually felt a touch depressed after writing all of that - it was a lot to deal with, all on the surface - and I binged a bit, in response, I think, and I just have to remember that even though that's probably not the best response to emotional pain, it's still a response, I'm just dealing with things the best I can, even if my responses aren't optimal. Not beating myself up about it seemed to help me break out of it quicker than I might have in the past.

This morning it was good to wake up and see my bedroom rug vacuumed and no clothes strewn about and the still and quiet of a clean space, and I'm really surprised at how I've taken to doing the morning pages - this is my third attempt at TAW and I fought and struggled to do them and never managed and this time it is with surprising ease. I have done them every single morning since I started, about a week and a half, which may not sound like much, but it is for me. Today I bundled myself up into my lavender cotton bathrobe with the satin trim and drew my down comforter around me and wrote and it felt so good and peaceful. I wrote, took a shower, got dressed and out the door in an hour - I usually get out of bed with 20 minutes to spare. Today I wore a nicer outfit than I've been wearing lately and I feel lovely. I like this. I am shocked by this. But I am going to enjoy it.

Damn, I guess I need a touch of boring to make up for all the drama I've been purging lately.

This morning I was writing in my morning pages about how disappointed I was that I hadn't heard from Gideon. I had emailed him on Monday, very lightly, just saying that I'd been busy and I knew he was too (I wrote I would still love to catch another movie with you in the coming weeks as your schedule allows, if you would still be interested. Do let me know if you have the opportunity and/or inclination; it would be a pleasure to see you again which I felt was direct enough without being whiny), and since I hadn't heard back from him, I felt like it was a pretty good indication that he wasn't interested after all, which was just disappointing. I wrote about how after our date I had really felt good about him, and how even though he didn't write back or call or anything, I just couldn't be angry, I just wasn't feeling it like I did with Richard.

Well, I came in this morning to find an email from Gideon! I was genuinely very surprised, I had a happy-excited-belly-tingling reaction at the sight of his address in my inbox that was purely physical. Basically he's swamped until August 7th or so (I'm so curious about why his workload has an expiration date!) but said that seeing a movie with me after would be great. I am just totally delighted. I so often feel like if someone's not all over me immediately, he's gonna forget about me. Funny that I'm so impatient, and yet that's never gotten me anywhere, but who knows what being patient with Gideon will get me? Maybe nowhere too, but maybe somewhere good. I'll just look forward to our upcoming movie and continue enjoying myself no matter what.

Tonight's artist's date was going to be seeing Dan Bern at South Street Seaport, but it's looking damn likely to start pouring at any minute. But maybe I'll try it anyway - worst that happens is I go downtown and get drenched and there's no concert and I come back uptown! Or maybe I'll go see Spellbound, although that would require bolting out of here on time. We'll see.

The thing that gets me about doing TAW is that I still don't feel like an artist, not even remotely close, it's not like I've been feeling like a frustrated artist who just needs a kick in the pants, although maybe a little bit? I'm not sure. I just feel like I've been processing so much of my own stuff I can't see myself being able to climb out of my self-absorption in order to imagine, to create something new. I'm gonna have ponder that for a while.