2003-07-16 @ 12:41 p.m. | Gloomy wednesdays

Song in my head: that damn annoying "going to the chapel, gonna get married" song

Mood: pissy

Current book: still good old Holden Caulfield


Meh.

For some reason I am just in a pissy, annoying mood. I hope it passes.

This morning, actually, was some kind of insane miracle. I got out of bed at 7:30 (I was awake earlier because Keith spent the night on my Aerobed and left at some ungodly hour like 6:00 to get to Brooklyn in time for work), and somehow I managed to write my three morning pages, blow-dry my hair, iron my capris (unfortunately capris make me think of Capri Sun drinks, which my mom used to pack in my lunch in 5th grade, which some jerk in the other 5th grade class used to toss into the trash on a daily basis), hop on the subway, go the the West Side Market for breakfast, and then to the office, all by nine! It may not sound like much, but believe me, it's a wonder. I usually roll out of bed at 8:10, throw on whatever I can get my hands on, and wind up at work 15 minutes late. I'm frankly startled.

But then I've been just all kinds of bummed out this being single shit. (And I don't always or often think it's shit, so that should tell you something there alone.) Maybe it's because I still haven't heard from Gideon and I'm impatient and discouraged because I need all that damn reinforcement and I feel like a loser for wanting all that damn reinforcement. Maybe because I'm more bothered by Richard's call-and-no-show than I should be; not that I really care one whit about him per se, but that anyone would be that rude to me, and it's hurting my feelings and that bothers me.

Maybe it's because, hooray for Jill, she's met someone wonderful and she's all lovey-dovey and she deserves all of that and more, but I'm envious at the same time. Maybe because Brian's been meeting all sorts of people with the most unbelievable of ease and I'm feeling pretty spectacularly unappealing in comparison (and of course, there is no comparison; again, a sign of where my brain is).

And I'm just so annoyed with myself. Why should I care so much? Isn't it just the whiniest thing on earth to bemoan my single status? No wonder no one wants to date me. Hell, I'm getting on my own nerves.

I think it's a function also of feeling like the universe is telling me "no, no, not for you!" and I rebel against that. And of course it's not the universe, it's my head ("it's my head, Schwartz, it's my head!), and then I rebel against me, really, and it's all just so messy and whiny and annoying.

All this talk of sex lately among my friends (my friends and I are talking about sex; not me having sex with my friends) and it's been so long since I've had it, since September of last year, and I barely count it because it was so horrible and degrading and life-sucking, and I keep thinking about how I want to be close and intimate with someone but it's very scary, too. I feel like things change after sex. I'm no longer in a place where I want to be sexual with someone I'm not close to, not ideally, anyway, because it brings up such feelings of closeness and intimacy and I've been in those situations where I'm all starry-eyed after and then the guy looks at me like, so hey, isn't it about time for you to leave, and I hate how hollow and stupid and wrong that makes me feel and I have to ask myself, where is this all coming from?

I feel sometimes like my emotions are so close to the surface, so variable, I feel sort of unstable in a way. Not seriously so. But it does make me crave some numbing sometimes, and I've been very good lately at not indulging in that hiding impulse, and I don't want to backtrack, and I want to think that writing here makes a difference, purges me, lances and drains the wound, and what I wouldn't do to feel peaceful today. I get these fleeting glimpses of peace, of calm, and I just want them to linger.

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