Tomorrow I'm meeting Yi Shun for the first time, which I am totally looking forward to - we spoke on the phone for a few moments and I can't speak for her, but we chatted away with a fun, comfortable ease in seconds flat and I feel like we could gab for a while with much enjoyment.

Thursday Cristin and I are going to do a BBW MeetUp (I always forget that that's not always a familiar term - BBW is an acronym for Big Beautiful Woman, which is a euphemism for fat girls, but it's an understandable euphemism, considering the stigma attached to the word fat; hell, I'm still not so good at using it in real life as opposed to print), which is funny because we're two of five people who have responded!

Then Friday is the NAAFA meeting, I think - Sandy, the chair, had said something about maybe rescheduling, but you'd think she would have said something by now if it wasn't this week! - and then Saturday is Grove and then over to Lori's to work on her fat art project - all my happy fat stuff stuffed into a long weekend! - and I don't know if I've ever mentioned the project, but it's way cool. She's doing her dissertation as a photography project that will eventually be an exhibition at Teacher's College in the spring, and the theme is on (if I'm getting this right) fat women challenging standards of beauty by creating "sites of resistance." So what we're doing as participants is taking photos of our daily lives, and writing about what it's like to be fat women in today's society, and we'll be posing for photos that will be part of her project. I'm very seriously considering doing some nude shots. Nothing nasty or pornographic, just arty stuff. Hell, I believe the existence of this diary has already established my exhibitionistic streak, why not take it further?

Seriously, though, I think it would be incredibly empowering. I've always struggled to accept my body, especially without clothes, and while I'm sure better at it now, and improving daily, I think that stripping bare in a public setting will be even more powerful. Think about it - isn't that what I do here?

In other news, surprise, surprise, Mr. Rubin didn't call this morning as he said he would. If I gave a single shit I would be so seriously peeved, but now I'm just peeved in principle. Really, where does he get off? I wasn't even looking forward to seeing him that much - honestly, I don't even think I would have been at all into smooching in the park (well, maybe, cause he's good at it, but it's gotta have heart). Now I'm just enjoying waxing indignant about his gargantuan nerve. And it's just entertaining in a way to see what kind of ludicrous excuse he may try to wrangle up next time.

No email yet from Gideon; disappointing, but not crushingly so. I'll give him a call later this week, early next week if I don't hear from him.

Meanwhile I have the phone number of one personal ad guy here in the city, I will try to call him tonight, and I'm corresponding with another personal ad guy from Long Island (he's a former (unsuccessful) stand up comedian!), all of them Jewish, as are Gideon and Richard and (sort-of) Metro-North Ben , who also called out of the blue. And I'm not even on JDate!

I think the flurry of activity is a lot of fun and I love people and I adore socializing but I don't want it to become a screen to avoid being by myself, thinking, being alone. I think I'm okay, though. On Sunday I went by myself to City Island and wore white linen and sunscreen and my hair down and I walked the length of the island and back again, stopping to write in my journal here and there. And it felt good to be quiet and by myself.

I also started The Artist's Way again - so far I've managed three mornings of Morning Pages! I am skeptical but I figure it sure can't hurt any. I feel like I've got some vague modicum of talent, and obviously I must feel like I've got something to say or I wouldn't be here, would I?, but I don't have creative ideas or dreams and I wouldn't mind cultivating them.

Oddly enough, I think I can even deal with the reading deprivation in week four! (Hmm, the reading deprivation might be while I'm in San Francisco, although I wasn't thinking that when I said it.) But Sunday I rode the bus out to Pelham to catch the bus to City Island and I didn't read at all, I just sat quietly and looked out the window and watched the throngs of people on the bus (nice thing about 207th Street; you always get a seat on the Bx12) and it didn't feel anxious like the idea of riding the bus usually does.