Richard called me around 11:30 to say that - surprise, surprise! - he was going to have to cancel meeting me for lunch this afternoon because his editor just called with a bunch of revisions that he needed to do, ASAP. I had been half-expecting it, and I imagine I sounded pretty annoyed (since I was!) Although I kept things somewhat light because my past history is to be too demanding too soon, forcing relationships into something they're not (not that there's not something to be said for common courtesy!) and I didn't want to give him reason to think that he'd gotten under my skin.

So I immediately emailed Andi and IM'ed Rose to complain and hash things out - like my god, why on earth would he bother getting back in touch with me just to cancel yet again - and Andi had a good assessment of things: either 1) he's jerking me around or 2)he really does want to see me, but all these things have been getting in the way. (Or perhaps a combination of the two?)

So, about an hour later, Richard calls again, to say that he decided to go for a walk because he needed a break from his work, and would I like to meet him for a little while on my lunch break? So I agreed, because, what the hell, I might as well make all of this rigamarole worth my time.

So I showed up (a little late actually - not really on purpose, but hey, he's been keeping me waiting, I don't feel so bad) and he was there, and it actually was good to see him, but I'm happy to note that I didn't feel all nervous and swoony and stupid - I think that the hiatus helped me really clear my head of fantasies, and ground me in reality. (Cause god knows I could never have stayed with Louis as long as I did if it weren't for the constant fantasy Louis I created!) I was a bit cautious and wary but also cheerful.

So anyway, we chatted for a while, and he was very flattering and attentive; he noticed my outfit and manicure and pedicure and my earrings and told me I looked very springy, a breath of fresh air. We talked a bit about his book, and got off on tangents about tattoos and piercings and laundry, and then he asked, "is it too hot to kiss you?" I smiled and said, "no, I don't think so" and goddamn, he is a wonderful kisser and as annoying and frustrating as all of the run-around has been, it felt marvelous to be sitting on a park bench in the heat of summer kissing a man who wrapped his arms around me and touched my hair and drew me in closer.

Although none of this negates my basic wariness at his unreliability, and for that reason alone I don't see this going anywhere other than a short-term fling. Maybe not, you never know what it could develop into. But I'm not counting on anything, and am approaching this with the attitude that maybe we can have some fun - god knows it's been ages since I've felt attractive and sexual and not have it be sleazy - and yet not invest all my hopes and dreams into someone I barely know.

That is one thing I have to say - as frustrating as the run-around has been, I didn't feel sleazy kissing him, it felt good, enjoyable. He said something after our first or second kiss like "so, do we get to do this at your place without the roommate bothering us?" which made it pretty clear where his head is, but the idea of making out and maybe more in my room didn't make me nervous. My gut instinct is pretty good on this so far.

Not that I'm not also disappointed too. I would have loved if things had worked out in an Andi&Doron or a Brian&Keith way, but I think I'm sometimes too much in a rush for things to work out like that.. I'd rather settle for a fling with Richard and enjoy it on that level, than try to force it into a relationship, and remain open for meeting someone else that I can have a real relationship with. Not to mention that he's gonna have to work hard to see me - I'm a busy woman, and I won't rearrange my schedule to see him, either! Can I manage it? I don't know, but I'm going to try, and if I can't handle it, well, I'll call things off. I figure that I'm bound to make mistakes as I go along in the single world, but that's okay, I'm not going to make them in the neighborhood of Louis mistakes!