2003-06-11 @ 10:18 a.m. | Confidence Man

Song in my head: Bounds of Love from the Kissed soundtrack

Mood: calm, placid, okay

Current book: still Richard's book, still The Stand


Last night was my first full night of sleep, boy does that feel good. (I imagine the fact that I was at Brian and Keith's, an island's length away from Keisha's insanity, helped.) I feel somewhat normal again. It is such a relief.

I do have to wonder if a large part of the MRA (gotta thank Rose again for that super-duper handy phrase!) I put myself through the past couple of days wasn't a result of, or at least exacerbated by, my lack of sleep, my poor eating, and the increased stress of the horror that is Keisha.

(Speaking of eating, oh lord, last night at B&K's, Brian made some popcorn and you would think I would have learned from 18 years of friendship, but no, I ate a big old handful of popcorn without tasting it first, forgetting how salty Brian likes it. Oh god, my tongue hurt, it was so salty! He might as well have sprinkled it with silica gel or some other dessicant, because I thought all of the fluids in my body were gonna get sucked right out. Serves me right for not remembering.)

This morning Andi emailed me wondering if Richard had gotten in touch with me yet, and I told her no, and I'd pretty much resigned myself that he won't be, and while I'm disappointed and somewhat confused (why bother with all the talk of kissing and looking forward to seeing me if he didn't actually want to? why not just be reserved and cool on the phone so I'd get the hint?) I'm pretty much okay with it, too. What else am I gonna do? If nothing else, I'm getting a good read out of it.

Funny, too, in that I feel that I'm getting some insight into his personality from reading his book that helped me come to the conclusion that he won't be calling (as much as it's fair to judge a man for his actions and attitudes of 15 years ago). There's the scores and scores of women he dated down south and his casual ease in picking them up and his cocky bravado and ego-stroking in doing such. (More his words than mine, actually.)

Even more telling was his anecdote about being invited to dinner by a rural family he met at one of the football games he was covering. The place was a rundown shack in the middle of nowhere, and he wanted to call them and say that "I had a bad stomachache and we'd just have to try again at some unspecified point in the future." Except they didn't have a phone he could call, nor running water, nor electricity, so he had no choice but to go to dinner, where they served him squirrel meat cooked over Sterno.

Now, if that doesn't sound awfully similar to "I was up all night sick to my stomach, I'll call you later to reschedule". I feel like emailing him just to say, "Richard, baby, I wasn't gonna feed you squirrel!" Hmm, maybe I should - what would I have to lose?

And that's something that still really gets me, that I act like I have SO much to lose. I sort and weigh every action, every step, as if every minor decision I'm about to make is a matter of life and death, I can never retract it, I can't make a single mistake, and therefore, I often wind up paralyzed and motionless. And here I'm reading Richard's book and while it's just a damn good story, I'm also just blown away and impressed and frankly, no matter what a jerk he may be for brushing me off like that, inspired by his brash confidence and surety. At 21 he half-bluffed his way into a job he had no experience in, had no idea what he was doing, moved to this totally foreign place, and just blazed his way through with no fear (or, if with fear, despite the fear).

For someone like me, it's heady stuff. Imagine! Going into a situation sure that even if I didn't know how I was gonna handle it, knowing that I could and would. Approaching people for dates with nary the thought of "oh my god what will he think I'm sure he'll turn me down why would anyone want to date me anyway?" Being so sure of myself and fearless and adventurous.

Man oh man, that sounds awesome! I've always been so afraid that gaining confidence (or acting as if) would be the same as being arrogant, but you know something? I'm almost 30. I'm about as self-effacing as they come. I really don't think arrogance is going to be a problem for me. I think it's time to stop worrying what other people think of, to stop cultivating anxiety, and go have some adventures. (hey, hey, San Fran here I come!)

I ought to remember what I kept telling myself when I was going through the worst of the leaving Louis shit: if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything. Although I'm tired of merely enduring. I want transformation.

Of course, I think I want transformation right away, yesterday, hey hey, where can I buy me some of that? It ain't so easy, I suspect, or at least so immediate.

An aside: yesterday I decided to peruse the personals (since I had just purchased a membership two weeks ago, and I wanted to remind myself that some immediate chemistry does not dating make) and I came across a guy who wrote this in his profile:

I tend to need a woman who can boost my ego, (since I am insecure and grew up being put down by a dysfunctional Mom all my life, My Dad left when I was 2 yrs old, my step father was a rage-aholic and verbally abusive and would tear the phone off the wall about once every two months)... I am seeking an intelligent, attractive woman who loves to wear make-up is very clean, always smells good and loves to make her man feel like he is the greatest, She is very loyal..prefers having a dog like a West Highland Terrier, rather than a cat that walks all over the sink and table.. [being] a christian, is a must so we can share Christmas together without it being a issue.

Yikes! What craziness! Granted, I can sometimes put too much out on the table at once, but advertising for someone who will make up for all the ego-stroking you never got as a child, well, that's just asking for trouble! I would love to know who would respond to that. (Of course, it sounds so much like Louis and his "woe is me what a horrible life I've had!" spiel - I responded to that way back when, so it must pull in someone!)

So, anyway, now I feel inspired to do something tonight - I wonder what it'll be?

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