Like I said yesterday, I think a lot of my anxiety has to do with my own shit, and whatever happens with Richard is pretty incidental. But it bothers me how much I'm hoping he calls, how much I'm convinced that he won't, and how disappointed I'm feeling about that. Even though I don't know yet!

It's hard sometimes that most of my friends are in really wonderful relationships and that they seemed to become couples somewhat easily; I don't mean to make it sound like being in a relationship is a breeze, with no work at all, just that they established a bond quickly. I think of Andi and Doron and how they literally just ran into each other on the street and haven't gone a day without speaking to each other since (and duh, are married now!) and I'm envious of that ease of pairing up.

Although I ought to be wary of that inclination in me anyway, of rushing to want to pair up, couple up, right away. And I am resisting it. The lonely part of me, when I meet a man I'm attracted to and drawn to, starts thinking stuff like we can do this together and we can do that together and oh god what will his parents think of me and maybe we can spend vacation together and I can't wait to spend the night at his place and maybe I should go back on the pill all within the first ten minutes my head hits the pillow in bed. (I am so embarrassed to admit this!) And in the past, I rushed the pace of relationships to match accordingly, and look where it got me!

I'm sorry to have become so damn boring.. it's just that this man stuff is SO HARD for me. I've never felt confident in my attractiveness, my appeal, I'm so haunted by the idea of growing old all alone... maybe I'm not ready for this after all. Ugh ugh ugh.

It doesn't help that the living situation is getting weirder and weirder and this Keisha chick has to go! She was screaming at Cynthia and Geraldo all night long, lots of "fuck you!"s and not much else and it lasted forever and when it wasn't going on I was dreaming about it. Last night too was the first really sleepy night I've had in a long time - I think draining a pint of blood from my veins helped do the trick - and I'd been laying on my bed with the love candle I carved in Grove flickering and my eyelids half shut and I was in such a peaceful place when this stuff starting going down, and the rage and insanity coming off of that girl is just too much, she can't possibly be stable or healthy, and I'm increasingly more nervous each day she's there. I need to talk to Cynthia - hopefully Keisha's screamed threat of "I'll find a new place as soon as I can!" was not idle.

Bouncing back and forth here.. I think that part of my problem is the unspoken thought in my head of "this really cute nice guy likes me so it must mean I'm loveable, really, but now that he's not calling and he might not be interested after all means that I'm not loveable and I was stupid for thinking so and no one's ever gonna love me and why don't I just give up?" and really, how counterproductive is that? It's thinking like that that got me involved with Louis despite my better judgement, and kept me there. I just need a way to feel valuable and loveable and worthy and worthwhile independently of what guy is interested in me or not.

And I think that what's also bothering me is that I thought I was over this.. maybe you never really get over it, just find new ways to deal.