Richard wound up not able to get together with me Sunday after all; he was sick all night with a stomach bug or something (he said it might have been from eating bad shrimp; I said it was God's retribution for not keeping kosher) and didn't feel up to leaving the apartment.. all of this is totally fine now, but right before he called (it was about 2:30 that afternoon) I was making myself insane thinking that he wasn't going to call, and that I was stupid for even getting my hopes up and caring so much, and why do I even bother, blah blah blah, and good lord, what ridiculous things my brain does to me!!! I am so often my own worst enemy, as cliched as that may be.

In a way, actually, I think it's a good thing that we had to reschedule (although we don't have a date set yet, which is too bad) - I think it's helping me be more realistic. If things work out, they will work out, and I don't need to be reassured of his interest every fifteen minutes like I was with the louse. If they don't work out, they don't, and as much as I'll be disappointed, I'll live with it and get through it fine.

It ocurred to me as I was hashing things out with Andi and Cristin over email that duh, as much as he may still be interested in me, his job is not a 9-5, Monday through Friday dealie like mine, and he's doing something he's really interested in, and I know what it's like when I really get absorbed by something, I'm really absorbed, and I'm not thinking of anything but what I'm doing, and I haven't felt that way about anything like that in the longest time, not for any extended, significant time period, and that's more what's going on - since I'm still unfocused and stuff I tend to get wrapped up in other people instead of finding my own thing. This is sort of reminding me to keep searching for my own thing!

And I should stop beating myself up for caring, for wanting Richard to like me, for enjoying his interest. (Yesterday he told me that he had really been looking forward to seeing me, and he couldn't stop thinking about what a wonderful kisser I was, and he'd really been hoping to kiss me again, and then apologized for embarrassing me, and I just loved every moment of it, this building heavy anticipation from a mere one sixty-second kiss on a park bench half a week ago.) I am still sometimes very uncomfortable acknowledging my desire for connection, for relationship, for affection, you name it. But it's normal! I'm normal! (I like to think that I'm better than normal, actually.. :-)