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Song in my head: none Mood: lousy-ola Current book: Into Thin Air I don't know what's up with me lately, I'm in this weird zone/mood in the evenings.. I'm pretty okay during the days when I'm with my friends or at work (even though I've been so damn easily distracted and I find it hard to focus) but when I'm alone at night I totally space. I've been at Rose's animal sitting for a long time and I just feel in some odd zone, staring at the computer, not really taking much of anything in, I've been feeling moody and very, very lonely at night. I have so many wonderful people in my life who love me, but they've all got their own lives and I'm a secondary character to everybody, I'm not special or essential to anyone, really. Yes, I know how fucking whiny that is. But I'm gonna just complain anyway, feel free to not read if it gets too annoying. I just hate that the best people in my life here in NYC could up and leave me, move away. Like as much as Brian and Keith love me and I'll always be one of their best friends, they're talking about moving to Vermont someday, and I'd be so lonely without them. I want to have someone who won't leave me, a partner. But why the hell would anyone want to be with me when I'm so fucking pathetic when I'm alone? I have no motivation, no drive, no passion, not right now, it feels deep. Last night I left Rose's (I wonder how close she is to Yi Shun?), she's on 215th and I left and went into the park even though it was 2 AM and yes I know how risky that could be, but the air smelled so fragrant and the birds were chattering, it was unbelievable, this whole world alive and bustling in the dead of night, and I just HAD to be in the park. I walked near the salt marshes and listened to the slip of the ducks into the water, and I loved it so much but I felt so pained too, so lonely, so wrong, so empty. I think of my wicca classes - today we took a nature walk in Central Park, in the Ramble, in the rain - and how much I WANT to believe, I want to feel divinity in everything, in me even, and I feel as if I'm hollow at the core, as if I were born without receptors for these things, I hate my life sometimes, I really do, I don't want to but right now I just hate being me, I feel unlovable and unworthy, I work so hard to overcome the messages that I've been bombarded with my whole life but what if they're right? I feel like just giving up sometimes, not death, but just giving up on hope, just resigning myself to the tedium of trudging through this life and not hoping because hope is nothing but this huge aching gaping vortex, I feel on the other end of a piece of especially clear glass - I can see so clearly the riches on the other end of it, it doesn't feel like anything is keeping me from it, not at all, and I reach and I reach and all that happens is that I hit that glass, again and again, and why should I inflict such pain on myself? Wouldn't it be so much easier to give up and forget about success and passion for living and love and just numb out? I don't know where all of this is coming from, this pain, but I am feeling utterly consumed with it, and I want to run and hide. I want to feel so badly but I'm so scared to, I'd rather hide. Live my life of quiet desperation like the English way (too much Floyd) and forget about all that I'd want. I know how fucking melodramatic this all is - after all, why should I be dissatisfied, it could be worse, right? - but I am feeling so lightheaded and empty and hollow, I could float away, and I have no energy for anything right now (I don't know where this is coming from, I walked for hours today, I had energy, maybe I'm a parasite and I just suck it off of everyone) and my fucking god (I don't know why I am swearing so much) the ache for another human being's touch is killing me, hyperbole notwithstanding.. today at the walk I looked around at all these people I care about and I just wanted to hold them, nothing sexual really, just be touched, make contact, feel rooted and grounded instead of floating, I want to feel like I've got some substance. I feel like I will go the rest of my life without any significant human contact, that it's a real possibility, and that tears me up. I ride the subway and I'll see the curve of someone's neck and I'll just want to kiss it yet how can I inflict myself on someone? I feel like all the men who have been revolted by me can't be wrong, right? I see men I'm interested in but why would I want to be so cruel to them to approach them? I feel like a leper, untouchable, and I hate Louis so much, I HATE him, not that he started this, but oh, the glee and joy in his evil heart that he rejoiced to reject me, it fed him, my humiliation (my spunk, to you, is manna in heaven - the Being John Malkovich line just popped in my head) - I fear I will live my life forever disappointing everyone I come in contact with, what a shame, that Aimee, she's smart, and she could be pretty, but she's made nothing of herself and never will and she sits at home with her cat and reads and watches TV but nothing sinks in, it's all a ruse, to spin my wheels, to pass time, to distract. I can't even describe a fucking thing. I hate this so much. I fear really, my deepest fear, is that I've deserved it all. Every approbation, cruelty, disgust, recrimination, everything, every vile word or deed inflicted on me was completely deserved, and who am I to dare assume I deserve better? I know this makes no sense, and that those of you reading this care about me to one extent or another, and may not really think these things about me, but I feel like there is a reality that I have nothing to do with, that no matter what I feel about myself there is THE TRUTH and the truth is that I am the horrible low piece of shit that Louis saw when he fucking beat me. That scumbag that he is, he still saw the real me, and I fear that I can't know the real me, that anything I do to try to make myself better is nothing but delusion, and I have no power and no control and WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS ALL COMING FROM? I don't know how much longer I can go in circles like this, writing this. Please don't be alarmed, I'm just venting. What does worry me is that I want to go home now, curl up with Laika, watch TV, sleep, numb, numb, numb out, and I worry that even though it's almost one AM I'll want to go in the park and that I might, that this core of self-hatred and disgust will subtly influence me to not take care of myself, I'll put myself in a position to be unsafe. So I shouldn't go into the park, even though the beauty of the park in the dark is so appealing, I'm so drawn to it, even though I hate it at the same time sometimes, because it feels like beauty exists to mock me, it can be so painful to be surrounded by beauty because it mocks the hole in my heart, in my soul, and yet I yearn so much I'm ill. I have no concept of what my life will be like, what I want it to be like, I don't know what I want, and I feel hollow and empty. Enough. Enough. Enough. If I go home and go to sleep in the morning, and I wake up and feel better about myself, which one is real? Is feeling like I am now the anomaly and I'll wake up feeling back to myself again, or do I live my life in illusion and denial, and only when I feel this horrific, do I see the truth? I don't know how I'll ever know the answer. |
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