Yesterday I was miserable for most of the day - damn lack of light - but I slept tons, I must have needed it, and I feel better today.

I've been grappling with feeling romantically lonely.. it's hard sometimes being friends with such happy couples (not that it's not work to be a relationship, and in some ways my life is less complicated for being single) and wanting what they have and having no idea how to get it. I've also been just really starving for physical affection - not a lament unheard in these pages, but it's difficult. Saturday I was really tempted to go to a BBW (i.e., fat chick - said with the utmost of affection) dance and not pick someone up - I don't want casual sex any more - but just to be a room and be admired sexually. Thankfully lately I've been really able to see how lovely and attractive and appealing I am, now just time to find someone else who shares my high opinion of myself.

Although I need to be weary - I've been feeling somewhat dissatisfied with my lack of life direction, and how easy would it be to meet someome and throw myself into a relationship because it would feel like dealing with my own life?

It's been hard, questioning what I want to do with myself. I feel like if I really wanted to be a social worker, I'd been taking the damn classes. I'm just frustrated because I feel like my whole life, my whole life has been nothing but academic - Aimee of the Straight A's. I can't tell you how much the appelations "3rd in my graduating class" and "magna cum laude" have been the utmost core of my identity. And I'm kind of tired of it. Andi is studying to be a plus-size personal trainer and that sounds so appealing to me, to live in my body and integrate, and not live so much in my head. No wonder I have problems with relationships, all my relating has for the longest time been in theories, on paper. I want to stop so much feeling like I need those outside evalations to be okay.

Lisa Simpson: "Grade me...look at me...evaluate and rank me! Oh, I'mgood, good, good, and oh so smart! Grade me!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Jill's Brian consistently has great entries, very thought provoking, do check them out. (Sorry I haven't emailed back, Brian, I'm working on it!) He mentioned that he wanted to write a piece on Dudleytown, and wow, I think that would be great. I've never been but Marty went when he a senior in high school and sent me letter when I was at Brandeis and told me all about it, even drew me a map - Brian, I'll have to show you sometime if I remember. He also wrote about Holy Land, which is practicaly in my back yard back in Waterbury, and Jack Chick, whose tracks I read at work for laughs of incredulity. Go read some Brian now!

Okay, almost time for the Three's Company movie - now that's quality time!