Funny, how I often feel like I need permission to relax. Like somehow relaxing is decadent, something I need to steal on the sly. I often feel that way about doing things that are fun, about enjoyment and joy and pleasure. I think one of the legacies my family has passed along is that life is to be lived primarily to fill obligation - if you can have some fun after you've done your duty, fine, that's cool, but you can't have too much fun. One of my last therapists said that this is such the Eastern European immigrant mindset - that even though my grandparents were born here, their parents passed this heavy sense of duty to them, and so on, and so forth.

I can understand that intellectually. But when can I actually cast off those shackles and live my life accordingly? When will I feel it deep in my bones that I deserve a life of joy? Cause I sure as hell won't put the effort into creating a joyful life if I don't really feel I deserve it.

Yi Shun wrote in my guestbook: "when will you start telling yourself that you deserve and want some sympathy? Some empathy? Some good and kind words from someone who isn't so wrapped up in his own issues that he's just looking for someone to talk at?"

She really got me thinking, which is a good thing!

But before I go on to all the stuff in my head, a big shout out to Yi Shun and Shalini and Mollie who gave me backup and support for me to say no to Doug the Email Guy! I am so bowled over with the wonderful people in my life, whether I know them in the Real World (tm) or just in this vast universe of the online world. Thank you all so much! You like me, you really like me!

(Addendum: Brian just posted in my guestbook another great bit of wisdom: "Screwed up guys can be nice guys. That doesn't mean you should get involved with them." I think I should tattoo that on my thigh! (Too long for my forehead.. :-) Thanks, Brian!)

Okay, enough Sally Field. But really, I honestly find myself thinking to myself, what do all these cool people want to do with me? I am sure I've lamented this here before, ad nauseum, but I really want to figure out how to replace my lousy self-image with one that is more reflective of who I am.

Cause I think that one reason I attract/am attracted to unstable guys is because I feel like deep down, I'm really messed up. But I was thinking about it this morning, and I think it might be starting to sink in.

I've had problems with depression, struggled with eating and body image issues, made poor choices in my relationships, and was a late bloomer socially. I am not the most organized person, and sometimes I'm a touch naive or clueless, and I still feel awkward in certain social settings. There are a lot of weird issues and mindsets in my family that I learned at an early age and am still examining.

So I look at all these "flaws" of mine and feel like, oh man, I'm so messed up, who would want to be with me? What on earth could I have to offer anyone other than commiseration over our mutally messed up emotional states?

But then I realize that really, I'm pretty damn emotionally healthy. I've got my issues, but I'm dealing with them (and not doing too bad of a job, either). I'm generally a pretty mellow and happy person, I'm friendly and funny and great company, and I have a core stability that I often take for granted. While my family may have lots of weird shit going on, and my dad was way super critical of us growing up (and I've internalized that critic of his - probably one of the hardest things to deal with, getting that voice out of my head!), but I never ever doubted that I was loved, and I think feeling loved and taken care of as a kid can take you a long way in your life. I'm very kind and empathetic and loving and giving and an all-around good person.

Contrast that to Louis (and I betcha some of this could apply to Doug the Email Guy too) - he grew up in a very abusive family, and never felt loved, and was exceptionally angry and bitter about it. (A caveat here, though - I don't necessarily take everything he told me as gospel - but his anger was real no matter what happened.) He had multiple psychiatric hospitalizations. He has no real friends, and people often disengaged from his company because he creeped them out or otherwise made them feel uncomfortable. He could be capable of overwhelmingly casual cruelty without the slightest hint of why it wasn't funny. (He once called my friend Sara pretending to be the morgue, saying they needed her to come identify the body of a friend and he laughed uproariously at the "joke," with not an inkling of why I was furious and outraged and ashamed and horrified.) He felt victimized and utterly entitled to anything and everything because of it. He was paranoid and suspicious and antisocial and manipulative. He confessed to me stealing money from friends (and even shoplifted a fucking Twinkie in front of me one day when we went to the beach and what the hell is that all about?) and cheating on ex-girlfriends and molesting his sisters and fantasizing about having sex with young girls. (And that's only what I know about.)

Now, I know you've all heard all of this in one way or another many times before, but I reiterate this for a very specific purpose:

I may have my issues, and not be the most put-together and confident person you could imagine, but I do not suffer from deep, insolvable, inherent character flaws.

I no longer need to bond with people over feeling like we're similarly fucked-up. (And oh, how Louis loved to twist everything I did or said to exacerbate my view of myself as unstable!) No matter my problems, I have a deep core of goodness and kindness and it is unshakable. I mean, look at what I went through with Louis -and I still came out intact.

The overarching theme here, I'm finding, is that I need to reframe how I view myself, my self-concept. How much difference that will make!

I am reminded again of riding my bike. (What a great investment!) I have always considered myself such a klutz, with no hope of gaining any grace or confidence or capability. (My driving issues stem from the same self image.) And unfortunately, that's the image of me my family has too - I find myself slowly divorcing myself from their negative views of me, and while I sometimes find that threatening, it's okay. I don't need to change their minds - although that would be nice - I need to change my mind.

And Sunday when Andi and Doron and I went biking, every time I felt the least bit shaky, they would both be near me, cheering me on - "you're fine, you're just fine, you can do it, you're okay, don't worry about it, you're just fine" and what a difference!

Last week I went for a walk in Inwood Hill Park (how I love my park!) and I climbed deep into the forest, and at one point I went off the asphalt path onto the natural path, and it was all downhill, and it was slidey and a little scary, and yet the whole time I kept talking to myself in my head "you can do it, Aim, you're just fine, you're not gonna fall, you're steady, you can do it, you can do it" and damn if that didn't help calm and steady me and I made it down just fine. Which may not sound like a lot, but going down hills in the woods has always unnerved me a bit and also been a big family joke. No more for me, though, I'm no joke.

And I know how this must feel like one big drawn out "The Little Engine Who Could", but that's just gonna have to be okay. Because my hyper-critical self-image has been with me since I can remember, and it's gonna take a lot of remedial work to reform it.

But I'm going to be just fine.