2003-04-23 @ 10:39 a.m. | It's hump day but I suspect there'll be no humping for me!

Song in my head: "No One Knows" by The Queens of the Stone Age - I only know this because it's the song in the commerical for "Confidence

Mood: pretty mellow

Current book: Breaking Point by Martha Beck


I have been congested and stuffed up and sneezing for about two weeks now, and I don't feel sick at all, really (I usually feel lousy getting out of bed in the morning, but what else is new?) and I'm bummed out, I think it might be allergies. I've never had allergies! The only thing I've ever been allergic to (other than poison ivy) is erythromycin.

(That was a trip! I had tonsilitis one year at Thanksgiving and the doctor gave me erythromycin. I woke up in the middle of the night to get some apple pie because my stomach felt SO gross with just the antibiotic in it, and I sat at the kitchen table at 3 AM eating my pie, scratching at my legs the whole time because I was so itchy. I thought it was just dry air, but when I woke up the next morning and my mom recoiled in horror at the sight of me, I realized that I was covered in hives! I got to spend my Thanksgiving weekend doped up on Benadryl - way fun!) (I hope the sarcasm was somewhat evident in that!)

So anyway, allergies, I think I've got 'em. Yuck. I'm so congested I can't smell a thing. Last night I put my favorite lotion on (Brown Sugar something-or-another from Rite Aid) and I couldn't even tell - usually I can smell it most of the day. And I can't taste much of anything either, which is truly lousy. (Cause I might not want to smell lots of stuff, but most of everything I eat I would like to taste!) Like I had watermelon for dinner last night and it was cold and wet.. and flavorless. And I packed chocolate cream cookies with my lunch (got them at the dollar store, baby!) and I have a feeling they'll be crunchy and creamy.. and flavorless. I had pizza for lunch yesterday and I must have drowned it in garlic powder, yet it was chewy and warm.. and yep, you've got it, flavorless! Although I've gotta wonder how bad my garlic breath must have been.

Okay, enough of the blands. Last night/this morning I had an eerie dream about one of the student interns here in the office (who coicidentally graduated from Brandeis the same year as me, but I never knew her.. she was a NEJS (near eastern & judaic studies) major, which was so not my crowd - like I really had a crowd!!!).. anyway, I dreamed that Melissa had been telling me how her fiance was hurting her, and her father too, and I was feeling totally sick, getting sucked into her problems, reliving a lot of my own fear. At one point I found her at the bottom of a swimming pool and got people to pull her out, I think her father was one of them, and I thought she was dead until I saw her eyeball moving. I screamed out "she's alive!" and she suddenly pulled this gigantic knife with a curved blade (it was glinting and menacing) and sliced it right through her father's face, and then went after her fiance. It turned out that she was just making up all this stuff about them hurting her so she could have a good defense for killing them. Toward the end of the dream I sat with my boss and said, "you know, I feel so..." "used?" she suggested, and I agreed.

Freaky, as I was typing this, Melissa came in! I switched windows pretty quickly - I sure wouldn't want her seeing this! Especially since I have no good reason for her being representative of something in my dream. I have no idea what this dream could mean, other than I've obviously still got SDM shit to work through.

Which brings me to another things that's been going on.. I've been corresponding with this guy who emailed me in response to one of my online personal ads, and I don't quite know what to make of it (maybe that's why I'm having odd violent dreams? who knows?) On the surface we seem to have stuff in common - he's an agnostic with pagan leanings, he's into medieval type-stuff (kinda like renaissance faires, which I find fun, although I'm not obsessed - I just like getting dressed up), he's a good correspondent and can make me laugh - I've been having fun with his emails. And he lives in Westchester, so it be no trouble at all to meet if we decided to.

But I am also getting this feeling like there might be other stuff I need to watch out for. Like we've been commiserating about the difficult stuff we've been through in the past year, although I've been upfront about mine and his are just allusions. (Not to mention that when I told him what went on with the SDM, he didn't say anything like "hey, sorry to hear that, that must have sucked", just, and I quote, "I have a similar story... I'm trying to learn to set boundaries with people so I don't let all the BS happen to me again... " It's not like I was trying to elicit sympathy - I don't need it - but his response didn't seem very empathetic.. something else to watch out for.)

Anway, to be fair he's sort of offered to tell me about his problems/isues, but he says that when he tells people about them, they stop talking to him. This just seems like a big mondo warning sign to me, but then I worry that I'm being unfair.. I've got all sorts of drama and shit in my past, and I'm going to judge him for having similar difficulties?

But then again, that kind of thinking is exactly what trapped me in with Louis. (I almost spelled that Louse, how appropriate! Maybe that's what I should call him from now on!) We bonded over our difficulties, and our dysfunctions, and I want to be with someone who overcomes challenges with humor and grace. Because, dammit, as hard on myself as I can be, that's what I did. I had a very difficult struggle, and it was rarely easy, but I have come through it with a sense of gratitude toward life, always with a sense of humor, and an appreciation for what I do have. And I get the impression that this Doug guy might be pretty damn bitter. And there is no place in my life for that.

Yet, I still think I may continue talking for a little while longer, if for no reason other than I don't believe you can ever really know someone online. Before I make any final decisions about him, I'd rather have the full use of my faculties and intuition. If we meet and he sets off warning signs, forget about it.

But I consider this a big step for me. Usually in this point of the game I'd already be halfway falling for someone, suspending my judgement, automatically assuming the worst. I'm definitely not doing that. And neither am I being utterly cynical and bitter either. I'm just being me. And if he doesn't fit into how I want to live my life, I'll just move on.

Wow, feels good to question.. god knows I didn't do that with Louis.

I will say, it is hard to do this, though. I am so nervous sometimes about never meeting anyone right for me. Sometimes I get stuck in this pattern of thinking that there is some kind of fate involved in love, that some people are pre-destined to be alone forever, and yet they are never allowed to know that, so they spend their whole lives lonely and looking for love and getting nothing but pain in return and yet never give up, and that I'm one of these people.

But you know, as I write this out, I was struck with a thought - how damn Calvinistic of me! I never believed in predestination of heaven (not even sure if I believe in an afterlife), so why on earth would I import such a viewpoint (or, to be more accurate, such a fear) into my belief system? Man, I'm odd.

The hard part is that I really miss affection, especially physical affection (raise your hand if you haven't heard me lament this before!) I like how Jill puts it.. she just wants some smoochies. (another word I'm not sure I'd use aloud!) I am cautious, concerned that my loneliness will cause me to lower my standards just to get some affection. But then I'm not sure that, deep down, my true self would allow that any more. The few times I've had the opportunity to be with guys since Louis, they've all felt wrong, and I haven't pursued them. I don't think I could allow myself to get lost in kisses with someone I have reservations about - I just don't think I could make myself do it. I just hate thinking that I could have to go years without any affection, without any touching, before I found the right person. If I do at all. (Damn Calvin, get out of my head!)

Someday I'm gonna figure this all out, but right now I'm gonna go eat some tasteless lunch.


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