It is pretty damn frustrating, btw, to be so easily affected by the weather and the amount of sunlight. I think I really need to buy a light box and be done with it. I just wish they weren't so expensive.

I am especially surprised at how alert I feel considering what bad insomnia I had last night. I turned the TV off at midnight - I didn't fall asleep until 2:00 or 2:30. I'd forgotten what misery it is to lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to will yourself asleep. It didn't help that I kept replaying in my head the night before we moved last year, the night that Louis threw the table at me and shredded the clothes off of me and I screamed so loud that the cops came.. I am plagued by the fact that I didn't tell them anything. I was so scared and so intimidated I couldn't. I also wish they had taken me aside privately and asked me what was going on. They asked if he had hit me, and he hadn't really, but damn, how I wish I'd had him arrested... but I didn't have anywhere to go. And it sickens me how ashamed I was that the cops came, how Louis made it out to be all my fault, if only I hadn't been screaming...

I hate that I still think about this. I feel like nine months should be enough, enough already, I can move on now, right? But that's not what's going on. When I finally did fall asleep last night, I dreamed about him. I dream about him all the time, and I hate it, I hate that I can't get rid of him, he clings to me. Sometimes I feel like he's infected me, like I'll never be able to get the last residue of him out of my system, that I'm forever poisoned.

I wish I'd written my dream out when I woke up, but I remember that I was sort of moving in with him and moving out at the same time.. I remember that I had a bike (which was cool!), and I was moving it in.. it was a beautiful apartment (even had a hot tub!), and then I was moving my things out, and I kept screaming at him, he had let Laika out and I couldn't find her.

And I also just remembered that I had been worried about a friend (or maybe it was my roommate Cynthia), that her boyfriend had been hurting her, and maybe in my dream Louis hadn't hurt me yet, because he was hugging us both close and telling her "you don't have to take it, you don't have to let him treat you like that" and that was so like him, he acted as if he were so goddamn progressive and caring, so against violence against women... for all I know he still thinks he thinks that way, and somehow I was different, deserved it like no one else did. I don't fucking know. All I know is that I want him out of me.