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Song in my head: Killing in the Name of.. Rage Against the Machine is so appropriate Mood: sick and enraged Current book: who cares? Motherfucker!!!! I just got an email from Louis!! It was a referral to a political action site, like when you fill out a form and then send a note to your friends, but it was addressed to me and no one else, and don't tell me that after seven months after I left him he accidentally sent me an email? Mothergoddamnfucker! I came very close to writing him back to say don't you EVER write to me again, but I figured the more rational and calm way to deal with it was to just block him from my email altogether. So I did that. But it made my insides churn to see his name pop up on Messenger, especially since he had it all in caps - it felt assaultive. I hate that he can still engender serious repsonse from me, though. I wonder if I'll ever have a time where I can feel neutral about him, where if I ran into him in the street I wouldn't feel shivers up and down my entire body and want to throw up. What sickens me is that I loved him, I really did, and I think I still have tiny residues of that in me somewhere, and it makes me ill. I don't think I've ever talked about it here before - and no, I didn't, because I wasn't entirely sure that he didn't know where this page was, and I was afraid to say anything inflammatory about him while he still held my things hostage - but anyway, not long before I left him, he confessed to me that when he was about 10 or so, he molested both his sisters. From what I can tell, it went on for a long time, too. He was very evasive with me, and exceptionally manipulative about telling me about it. He waited until I'd already been living with him for a while, and didn't have anywhere else to go. He waited until a morning where we were still in bed and I was barely awake and hungover from weed the evening before. He did that evasive thing he always did where he would talk on and on for half an hour about some big thing but not tell me what that big secret was, and then he started crying about how he hit puberty and was so confused about sex and he'd sneak into his sisters' beds at night and "try to force myself on them" but it never worked start tangent (as if that makes any difference! It's not like it would have been any less traumatic for them.. my theory is that the only reason that he didn't successfully achieve penetration is that he's got such a TINY DICK.. the ironic thing about the teeny weeny thing is that it NEVER mattered to me when we were together. I had a totally satisfying sex life with him until he started playing head games with me.. the no-bigger-than-3-inch dick never ever ever bothered me but as Brian says, it says so much about him that obviously it made a big difference in his self-concept... Brian, my wonderful friend, also suggested that we send him a package of cocktail weiners with a note attached: "look familiar?") end tangent so anyway, he'd sneak into their beds and try to force himself onto them and from what I could gather from what he said when he got found out he was sent away or hospitalized or somehow dealt with, and he felt demonized by his family and the whole world and it became this total sobfest about how miserable his whole life was and he never ever once volunteered being sorry about what he did to his sisters. He also trolled yahoo groups for plus size teen girls (knowing, I'm sure, how vulnerable and starved for attention these girls must be; I still have trouble with society's treatment of fat people and I've come a DAMN long way) and started this online thing with a FIFTEEN year old girl with the worst self-esteem I've ever seen, and even tried to have her FUCKING MOVE IN WITH US (thank god she had the sense to say no, although I would have done something if it had progessed that far, though I don't know what.. i think I was a different person of sorts then) and he also confessed to me that he would look at pictures of teenagers having sex with each other and fantasized about having sex with underage girls and I guess this all comes down to me being totally horrified that I had honestly loved this man and he turned out to be a pedophile or some such sexual deviant and it makes me sick to think about his sisters and is he doing anything to his nieces or nephews and THANK GOD he was never alone with Chloe and my god, I've really gone into train of consciousness, I really try to be a little more.. well..edited, and not so peppered with banalities, but him emailing me really struck a nerve. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that having loved him taints me. I just hate him so much it makes my blood boil. |
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