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Song in my head: Theme song from Malcolm in the Middle Mood: sleepy, lazy, unmotivated Current book: Hostels USA I feel totally self-absorbed sometimes. I don't think it's an arrogance thing; more likely, it's a lack of self-confidence, which makes me draw into myself and not pay as much attention to others as I would like to. Sort of a remnant of the attitude of who am I that someone wants my attention? Now that I think about it, I guess arrogance is just another face of insecurity, but hell if that's not ragingly unoriginal. But what got me thinking about it is that I was catching up on Yishun's diary<, and she mentioned my diary on her 1/25 entry what's funny is that I'm sure she meant to link to my unsexy bondage recollection essay, but it went to my main page, which made it appear that the not for the weak of heart stuff was referring to Marty & Aimee's birth announcement - I got a blast out of that!) and she's been totally into reading my diary and mentioning it in hers and I find myself totally stunned, like who, me?. She lives in the NYC area too, and she just seems so cool - she's a great writer and a total athlete and her life seems so much more focused and varied and fun than mine (damn damn damn those comparisons!) and I just sort of feel like she's too cool for me. Which is ALL my insecurities, and the insecurities make me nervous. Part of it is that she's thin and athletic and that so totally intimidates me. (God, why do I feel like I'm in 8th grade again? Where are all these "totally"s coming from?) Especially since although I'm really pretty okay with being fat - it's part of who I am, it's just me, and that's fine - I'm really unhappy with my fitness level, and I could go on a rant about how a lifetime's worth of bad experiences really made fitness a hard thing for me to embrace, but that'll be for another day. (Although, yay for my yoga class!) And for me to be someone who gets totally winded after not many stairs, and couldn't even finish my new aerobics tape, I feel like she's in this whole other league. But the whole point of this is that Yishun is all these really cool things and yet she reads my diary and says great things about me and she thinks I'm a nice person and doesn't seem to have this attitude of "oh, she's just a fat chick" that skinny people can have, and yet here I am being all intimidated by her because she's so fit and athletic, and all I've done is alienate myself because I feel unconfident. Great way to shoot myself in the foot. Not that I'm beating myself up about, just that I'm surprised to see myself acting that way. I guess I'm sometimes more narrow-minded than I want to be; I just hope noticing it makes it easier to change. Ugh, I'm so frustrated at how poorly I'm expressing myself. But, as Homer would say, what are you gonna do?
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