I changed my mind about checking out the apartment. It would have been 1 1/2 hours on the train, and I just don't want to spend 3 hours a day commuting.

But I did meet Ben - what a weird experience, to be with someone new after having been with Louis for so long.

It was quite heady to be with someone who found me so attractive; he kept kissing me passionately and telling me how hot I was. Since I'd already felt pretty good about myself, it was very enjoyable, but I didn't let it get me out of control; I didn't let it define me.

We went home and made out on the couch like teenagers, me sitting on his lap and kissing him with his hands in my hair. Yum.. :) Things were heating up.

And then, there was a subtle change - the heat died down - and we wound up cuddling and just talking.

It felt great to just go with the energy and flow, to have no expectations, to just touch and enjoy our company.

He's a really sweet guy. We'd already established that we weren't looking for a serious relationship (if I were, I wouldn't have gotten so intimate so quickly.) But he was very open about the fact that he'd decided that he didn't want to have sex, because he didn't want to feel bad the next morning. (Turns out he's a lot more religious than I am; not that it's hard to be more religious than me!!) Yet I was completely comfortable with it.

It was so refreshing. I'm not used to encounters with someone new being so open and honest. Not that I didn't keep my guard about me, but I didn't feel like he was playing games or using me. We enjoyed each other, yet I kept my space.

I often think that's where I got in over my head too fast with Louis. The passion was so strong so fast I couldn't breathe, and I loved it. The feeling of merging, becoming one with him, was heady and exciting and otherworldly and dissolved any (shaky) sense of separation I had had.

Today was different. I was very aware of myself, in an unselfconscious way, if that makes any sense. I felt like I had such secure boundaries. Marvelous!

When Ben called today, I felt nervous for a while, and it made me uncomfortable, vulnerable. But soon I relaxed and remembered that he's a person just like me, and neither he nor anyone else has the power to make me feel bad about myself, so even if I didn't go well, I'm still just as wonderful as I've always been.

Sigh.. I still feel a little arrogant recognizing my worth, but then again, it's a long time coming.

So tonight was a great learning experience. And wonderful kissing. And I think I made a friend.