I can't wait to retool my diary. I want it to look like mine. But I'm at my parents' and my dad only has dial-up and I have no patience for that.

I'm not feeling as scared but I'm still feeling uneasy and unsure.

I have reason to believe that L. might be reading this new diary but I have no proof.

But I also don't feel safe writing if he's reading.

I don't hate him. I loved him so truly and deeply and genuinely. I feel like I'm being cruel cutting him out of my life, but I have to keep reminding myself that he made it impossible for me to stay.

And I don't know if he's reading that or not. I don't know. I don't know if I can deal with this uncertainty. Am I paranoid or realistic?

There are things I want to write about here but I don't want him to read them.

I feel like such a bitch writing that.

He's not evil incarnate. He's not the spawn of Satan. But I loved him and he hurt me. I need to protect myself.

I'm so nurturing to everyone but myself.

If I'm gone for a few days, it's so I can decide what to do about thinking he might be reading.

I hate having to look over my shoulder.