I used to be Saturngirl13, but Louis, my ex, was reading my diary and responding to it as if I was writing to him. That is simply unacceptable to me.

I loved him, but I had to leave him because he hit me. He was cruel to me. He abused me.

I still have to say that out loud. I still don't fully believe it sometimes.

Though I sure have plenty of wonderful people in my life who are reminding me!

So anyway, here I am anew. I am being very careful at first. I am not putting my age in my profile, or my favorite diaries, or any identifying information. This is difficult to do, because I have this fantasy that my life is so fascinating, that strange people will become transfixed by my daily goings-on. (It's the exhibitionistic streak in me.) If I have lots of information in my profile, the more likely someone will stumble upon it.

Hence, the reason I'm refraining - Louis could also find it.

It hurts like hell to have to act so defensive. Here is someone that I loved wholeheartedly (and yes, naively) for 2 1/2 years. I trusted him. Gave him so much of myself. And now I have to wake up to the fact that I can't do that any longer. That he is unpredictable. Hell, I NEVER thought he'd hit me. NEVER. But he did. It shook up my whole world.

Part of me hates him for it.

Part of me doesn't want to think about it.

Part of me misses having someone to hold and kiss and cuddle.